Channel Surfing
by Jason Ulloa
Summary: A story we all knew had to come sometime. You take one anime series, then take another series, anime or not. Throw them in a blender, hit puree, and this story is what you get. Even if you don't have a sense of humor, read it anyway. You might like it.
1. Preview

Channel Surfing  
by Jason C. Ulloa

Preview

There once was a man from Nantucket.

Okay, so he wasn't really from Nantucket as much as he's really from Albuquerque.

...

...right.

So, the point is that this guy had an idea. An idea so great in magnitude, so vast in importance, so deep in brilliance that it could change the world as everyone knew it.

But since the cost of launching all the world's morons, idiots, and complete assholes into space was more than he could afford, the wonderful idea - codenamed Operation: Get Off My Planet - was put on hold indefinitely.

With his great master plan in shambles, the young man sat down in front of his computer, booted it up, and proceeded to work on his various stories and/or watch some anime. Anything to get his mind off of the disappointment of his great failure.

"It's not a failure! Only a minor setback!"

Oh, and one more thing. The young man was also a stubborn little cuss.

"I resent that!"

Resent what?

"Being called 'little'! I'm not that short!"

You're not that tall, either.

"Shut up!"

-sigh- Anyway, as this young man-

"I have a name, you know."

Look, we're in the middle of a story, here. Must you keep interrupting?

"Sorry."

Fine. Anyway, as this young man sat typing and/or-

"And."

Do you want to tell this story?

"What are you talking about? I can't tell this story and be in it at the same time!"

Then, SHUT THE HELL UP, ALREADY!

"Eep!"

-sigh- Fine, typing AND watching anime. Whatever. So, while the guy's doing both at the same time, he accidentally spills some Diet Dr. Pepper on his computer.

"Hell, no! I'd never drink Diet Dr. Pepper!"

Diet Coke, then? How about Diet Pepsi?

"Not Diet ANYTHING! Diet sodas are EVIL! Drinks of the Devil! I would never allow one within 50 feet of my computer!"

Too bad. I'm telling the story here, and you've just spilled Diet Dr. Pepper on your computer. Live with it.

"AAAAAAAAAAAUGH!"

Meh, heh, heh.

"You're evil, you know."

At any rate, since no one truly knows how Diet Dr. Pepper tastes like regular Dr. Pepper - NO COMMENTS FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY! -

"..."

- the spilled diet soda began to react strangely with the electrical components inside. And everyone knows what happens when you spill diet soda into a computer.

"Aw, crap."

Yes, that's right. A hole was ripped in time and space, sucking the young man into the wormhole.

"Hey! Wait a min-" -sloop-

Sorry, boyo. My story, my rules.

BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

* * *

With a loud, echoing thud, the young man landed on a hard surface and died.

Okay, he didn't die, so much as bruise his ass and whack his head, developing a sharp headache in the process, but the point is that he was currently desiring some pain relievers in massive quantities.

"Ungh...," the young man groaned as he slowly rose to his feet and took in his surroundings while gingerly feeling the back of his head for any serious injuries. Finding no sign of blood made him feel better, but his head still hurt like hell.

"Where the hell am I?" he muttered irritably to himself as he scanned his surrounding for any signs of life. Of course, when one's surroundings consists entirely of the color white, one can expect to become slightly irritable.

There was nothing but white everywhere. White air, white floor, and white in between. Just a whole lot of white. Really. Close your eyes for a moment. See all that black? Pretend it's all white, and you get the idea. That's a lot of white, man.

"Hello?" the young man called out tentatively. "Anyone here?"

Nothing but the sound of his voice, echoing as if in a large, empty room.

He couldn't resist. "I need guns."

Suddenly, a pair of gun racks, stretching as far as the eye could see shot across his view, as well as behind him. "Sweet," he smirked, amused at how similar the effect was to a certain movie he had seen a while back. Glancing down at himself, he noted that he was now wearing a long, black duster jacket, black trousers and a black shirt, with a pair of dark sunglasses.

Glancing over the various armaments displayed, his gaze caught on something that seemed a little out of place. "The hell? The summoning gun from Final Fantasy Unlimited? Mimette's gun from Sailor Moon? A Galaxy Police handgun from Tenchi Muyo? Claude's phase gun from Star Ocean: Second Story?" He turned around to look at the rack behind him; his sunglasses dropping off his nose in the process.

"Barret's arm gun from Final Fantasy VII?" he continued, deftly snatching the sunglasses before they could hit the ground and replacing them without missing a beat. "The Noisy Cricket from Men in Black? A Magdalene Order handgun from Chrono Crusade? A giant revolver from Patlabor? What the hell?"

"Enjoying my collection?"

"Eh?" the young man exclaimed, whirling around toward the sound of the voice, and causing the sunglasses to fly off his nose once again. Maybe he should've opted for the ones with ear frames.

"You should see my sword collection," the voice said again as the gun racks disappeared. A robed figure slowly faded into view, his face hidden underneath the hood of his robes. At least, the young man thought the figure was male. The voice sounded masculine, at least.

"Who are you?" the young man asked uneasily, trying to ignore the fact that the hooded figure reminded him way too much of a certain emperor of a certain empire in a certain galaxy far, far away. The fact that the figure was sitting cross-legged and hovering in midair with a crystal ball in his lap was also a bit disconcerting.

"That would take a while to explain...," the figure began.

"Well, unless you know how I can get back home, it doesn't look like I'll be going anywhere for the time being," the young man replied.

"I see...," the hooded figure replied thoughtfully. "Let me guess; you spilled Diet Dr. Pepper on your computer, thereby ripping a hole in time and space, and arrived here by falling through a wormhole. Am I wrong?"

The young man blinked dumbly. "Should I ask how you know that?" A thick book appeared in midair from out of nowhere and landed on the young man's head with a loud thud. "Ow!" he shouted as the book dropped from his head and into his hands. "'Channel Surfing: Script'? You know, I think I've seen this gag done before."

"You should remember it," the figure said, amused. "You wrote it, Jason."

* * *

The story will pause for a brief moment while the readers roll their eyes in vexation at the author for his trite, shameless, and extremely obvious self-insertion.

/Insert pause here/

The story will now resume. Thank you.

* * *

"Did you have to put in that last bit, Jason?" the robed figure asked dryly.

"What are you talking about? I've been here the whole time, remember?" Jason retorted.

"Well, you see, this place is a nexus of sorts," the figure explained. "Think of it as a crossroads between universes and realities, if you will. Your reality is but one of many that cross this point in time and space."

"And how does that explain the book?"

"In a reality parallel to your own, you wrote this story," the figure continued as he floated forward and tapped the book. Or rather, he tapped the name of the author of the book.

"Jason C. Ulloa," he said with a grimace. "So, what you're telling me is that all my actions are being dictated by what's in this book?"

"I wouldn't look in there if I were you," the figure warned.

"You're not me."

"True enough. But don't say I didn't warn you. Turn to page 6."

Jason flipped to page 6 and started reading. "The hell?" he exclaimed. "'Jason flips to page 6 and starts reading. "The hell?" he exclaims. "'Jason flips to page 6 and starts reading. "The hell?" he exclaims. "'Jason flips to-'"'"'"'" He quickly slammed the book closed.

"I warned you."

"Bite me," he retorted flatly.

"Infinite loops are never pretty. I once saw a man lose his mind that way. He got stuck reading his actions over and over until he starved to death. Apparently, the book never said that he went to get something to eat."

Jason flung the book down on the floor. "Okay, I've had enough. If you don't have anyway for me to get home, then I'm leaving."

The hooded figure sighed patiently. "I'm surprised you haven't recognized me yet, Jason."

"If you tell me you're Darth Sidious or Wiseman, then I'm definitely leaving."

"Far from it," the figure replied. "Does 'The Question series' sound familiar?"

Jason blinked as realization sunk in. "You!"

The figure nodded. "Yes, me."

"By the way, how did the series turn out?"

The figure sweatdropped. "Don't worry about that. At any rate, there's something I need you to look at."

"Really, now?" he said curiously. "What's that?"

The hooded figure pointed somewhere behind the young man. Jason turned around and blinked as his gaze fell upon a 38" wide screen TV sitting in front of a red couch and surrounded by an array of large speakers. "I can't seem to hook up my TV to my Dolby Surround Sound system."

Jason had never experienced facefaulting before. It felt oddly therapeutic.

* * *

Three hours later...

"It's about damn time. I mean, I even gave you the instructions."

"Oh, shut up. It would've done a lot faster if the damn instructions had been in English instead of Korean! Besides, that TV has way too many output jacks. Where the hell did you get that thing?"

The figure pointed to the brand name displayed at the top of the TV. And of course, the name was completely undecipherable. "Don't tell me. The alien version of HDTV?"

"Close enough. What's wrong with a little challenge?" he added, noting Jason's slightly cross look.

"Forget it," he grumbled as he hopped on the couch. "So, tell me. Is this what you do when you're not viewing alternate realities?"

"Actually, my crystal ball broke a couple of decades back," the figure explained as he descended upon the other side of the couch. "This's my replacement."

Jason blinked again. "You don't say."

"Hey, I've got an idea," the figure suddenly said as he tossed a long black device over to him. "Here. Why don't you give it a try?"

"Hmm...," he said as he looked over the device. It looked like a TV remote, but there were hundreds of buttons and many of them were in characters he didn't recognize. "Got one in English?"

"Wait a minute." The figure waved a hand, causing Jason to feel a strange tingling sensation in his head, not unlike the sensation of his head filling with water or something. It feel weird, but not a bad kind of weird. "There."

"I know Kung Fu."

"Whoops. Wrong one." Another wave, another tingling sensation.

"Hey, I can read what's on the remote now!"

"All right, then," the figure said as he leaned back into the couch, or at least gave the impression of leaning back, even as he continued to float an inch or so over the couch. "Fire away."

With a flick of the wrist, Jason turned the TV on and sat back as the first images came to life on the screen.

And of course, it was a commercial.

"Hey, that reminds of this commercial where one guy wants to watch one thing, and another guy wants to watch something else, so they smack the TV with a beer bottle and blend the two together to get something really weird," Jason commented.

"Hmm... You don't say?"

"Yeah. It's too bad that you can't... do that... here...," he trailed off as an idea came to mind.

"Will root beer do? I can't drink on the job."

"Sure, that'll do," Jason said as he took the root beer bottle and smacked the TV.

Nothing happened.

"Maybe we should've specified what we wanted to see?" the figure speculated.

"I guess we could give it a try," Jason agreed. "I'll go first. I choose Sailor Moon."

"I choose Power Rangers."

Jason snickered as he smacked the TV with the root beer bottle. "I have a feeling this's gonna be good," he laughed as the TV fizzled for a moment, then changed channels.

* * *

Author's Note: Sailor Moon's always been a Magical Girl anime with elements of the Sentai genre in it. Haven't you always wondered what would happen if you upped the amount of Sentai elements in it? On another note, this story's my second foray into the humor/parody genre. I felt I did a good enough job with A Grail? to warrant another humor piece, and this's it. Hope you like it. The idea for the story is quite simple; anything with anything. As long as one series is an anime, I'll cross it over with anything. Well, almost anything, as with somethings I'd have to do a lot of research in order to do, but if I can do it, I'll do it, whatever it is.

One more thing: I'm using a new method for writing this story - chapters by popular vote. In other words, you tell me what to write for my next chapter. In order to save the review section from being bombarded with crossover requests, I've set up a LiveJournal blog in order to take the requests:

www(dot)livejournal(dot)com/users/a(underscore)wise(underscore)guy/

If you want me to write it, let me know.

Disclaimer: All original materials belong to their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This story belongs me, so I would appreciate it very much if you would ask for permission before posting it anywhere else. Thank you.

Copyright © 2005 Jason C. Ulloa.  
All Rights Reserved. 


	2. Channel 01 Mighty Henshin Sailor Rangers

Channel Surfing  
by Jason C. Ulloa

Channel 01 - Mighty Henshin Sailor Rangers

When one thinks about the Moon, a dark, desolate landscape usually comes to mind. After all, it's out in space, and space is very dark and very desolate.

It's very big, too. But that's beside the point.

When man decided to explore the darkness and desolateness of space, their first stop was the Moon. Since it was their closest neighbor, it seemed the most obvious choice. So, with that in mind, man went to the Moon.

And immediately afterward, man started selling mugs that said, "My best friend went to the Moon and all he got me was this lousy mug!"

When it was found that there were, in fact, no aliens on the Moon, man decided that they'd return sometime in the near future. After all, sales on the mugs were starting to peter out.

Which was why Capt. Meyers and Cmdr. Sims found themselves on a mission to the Moon.

Now, Moon landing and exploration is one of the most demanding missions an astronaut can be assigned, and as such, the personnel that are chosen are given thorough physical screening and rigorous testing. In short, they have to be the best of the best.

"Are we there yet?"

"For the last time, shut up or I'll shove this food tube up your nose!"

Unfortunately, the best of the best were out sick with the flu, so they had to settle for these two instead.

At any rate, these two did manage to successfully land on the Moon.

"Yay!"

So now they had to go out and do some exploring. In other words, they had to go collect some moonrocks.

"Boo!"

Hey, astronaut work isn't all fun and games, you know.

Anyway, as Meyers and Sims went out exploring, they came across what looked almost like a corroded metal 20-gallon trashcan, complete with lid. Since this wasn't a moonrock, they ignored it and continued on their way, with Sims giving said rusty can a swift kick in passing.

Hey, I told you they weren't the brightest of astronauts.

At any rate, a few meters away from the rusty trashcan, the two astronauts discovered a really big moonrock, roughly the size of a basketball. Overjoyed, Meyers reached down to pick it up, confident that with the Moon's reduced gravity, carrying it back to the space shuttle wouldn't be a problem. It took a little more effort than he thought - apparently the rock was stuck to something - but it eventually came free.

"Yay!"

However, once the moonrock came free, a brilliant flash of light lit up the landscape, causing the pair of astronauts to stagger away as the light temporarily blinded them.

"Bwah, hah, hah, hah! I'm free! After a millennium behind that cursed seal, I'm finally free!"

As sight slowly restored itself, the pair of astronauts beheld a scary-looking red-haired woman laughing maniacally. Behind her, four men in silver-gray uniforms stood scanning the area warily.

Now at this moment, Meyers and Sims realized three things. One, picking up that particular moonrock was a BAD thing. Two, these particular five people were NOT wearing spacesuits, which meant that A) the vacuum of space didn't affect them and B) they didn't need oxygen to breathe, therefore C) they must not be human so D) they should get the hell out of here.

And finally, three, they just soiled their spacesuits.

Now, if this wasn't bad enough, the rusty trashcan that Sims had kicked a few moments past had finally tipped over, causing the lid of the can to pop off, thereby causing yet another brilliant flash of light.

"Aw, nuts."

"Bwah, hah, hah, hah! I'm free! After a hundred years, I'm finally free!"

Out of the small 20-gallon sized trashcan came five non-trashcan-sized figures. One looked like a withered old gnome wearing artisan's clothing and glasses. Another looked like a blue troll without the plume of unnatural colored hair and wearing some kind of reinforced clothing which might've resembled some kind of armor. Another looked like a skinny, dark blue furred babboon wearing nothing but a monocle. The fourth figure was a werewolf-like creature wearing gold armor and carrying around a sword. The final figure, who was coincidentally the one who had spoken earlier, was a woman in a sorceress' robe, complete with a jester-like collar, a silly pointy hat, and a staff with a silly-looking ornament on top.

In short, they looked even more ridiculous than the first group.

Yes, this was obviously not a good day for our astronaut friends.

"Now, to conquer Earth!"

"Hey, wait a minute! That's MY line!"

The silly-pointy-hat-wearing sorceress whirled toward the scary-looking red-haired woman and scowled. "No way! The Earth is mine to conquer!"

"Silence!" the scary-looking red-haired woman bellowed. "How dare you speak to me in such a manner!"

"I'll speak to you any way I want!" the silly-pointy-hat-wearing sorceress retorted.

"You'll do no such thing!" the scary-looking red-haired woman shouted back.

"Yes, I will!"

"No, you won't!"

"Yes, I will!"

"No, you won't!"

"Yes, I will!"

"No, you- Enough of this!" the scary-looking red-haired woman roared as she gestured imperiously toward her nemesis. "Take care of this yowling harridan."

"Yes, my Queen," the silver-haired warrior acknowledged and rushed forward.

"Oh, yeah? Well, two can play at this game!" the silly-pointy-hat-wearing sorceress shot back as she pointed her silly-ornamented staff at her foe. "Attack!"

"As you wish," the gold armored werewolf-like creature replied as he rushed forward as well and engaged in combat with the silver-haired warrior.

Meanwhile, on both sides, the other six would-be combatants were in their respective groups, having a discussion amongst themselves.

"Attack? You don't suppose she means us, do you?"

"Well, you heard her, Nephrite. Go and attack, already!"

"I hope not. Those guys look pretty strong."

"Shut up, Zoisite! I don't see you rushing off into battle like your boytoy, over there!"

"Don't look at me. I just make the monsters; I'm not a front-line fighter. I bruise easily."

-sigh- "You're all idiots."

By now, two different arguments had already begun on the two sides while the battle raged on between them. This was significantly less than both women had hoped for and as such, they both found themselves sweatdropping in chagrin.

"It's just so hard to find good henchmen these days," the silly-pointy-hat-wearing sorceress lamented wearily.

"So true," the scary-looking red-haired woman agreed.

"Say, you seem like a particularly nasty sort. Tell you what; why don't we join forces? I'm sure it'd be so much easier taking over the Earth with our combined might. Don't you agree?"

"I'll admit what you say sounds true," the scary-looking red-haired woman replied thoughtfully. "However, there is just one problem."

The silly-pointy-hat-wearing sorceress frowned. "What's that?"

The scary-looking red-haired woman called her crystal ball into existance before her. "There is only room for one badly dubbed, evil queen from another planet and/or dimension in this sentai series," the scary-looking red-haired woman replied and blasted her opposition, along with her lackeys, into another sentai series.

"AAAAAAAAAAAA-!" -Bang!-

* * *

-Bang!- "-AAAAAAAAAA!" -Thud!-

"Ow! All of you get your stupid selves off of me!"

"Oops! Sorry."

A short distance away, a man in a battlesuit that looked somewhat like a grasshopper, rode up on a weird-looking motorcycle and regarded the new arrivals with a somewhat confused look. However, since the man's face was completely concealed, this was completely pointless.

Of course, the same could be said for this little tangent as well.

* * *

"But I was just about to defeat the gold Youma, my Queen!"

"I don't care, Kunzite," the scary-looking red-haired woman snapped. "I just want to get started on my clichéd diabolical plot to conquer the Earth!"

"Excuse me, my Queen. Did you just say 'clichéd'?"

"Never mind that, Kunzite. Jadeite! Nephrite!"

"Yes, my Queen?" the short blonde-haired man and the long brown-haired man replied, bowing respectfully.

"I need you both to start working on Youma that I will send down to Earth to conquer it for me. Also, I need you to start building me a castle for us to reside in while we wait for our eventual victory."

"Yes, my Queen," the pair acknowledged.

"What about me, my Queen?" the blonde pony-tailed man inquired.

"You, Zoisite, shall act as our comic relief."

Zoisite promptly sweatdropped. "C-comic relief? But, Queen Beryl-sama!"

"Silence, Zoicite!" Queen Beryl commanded. "Kunzite is our warrior. Jadeite makes our Youma. Nephrite... well... He does have his uses, but certainly not comic relief. You, however, fit that description perfectly."

Nephrite roared with laughter and Jadeite snickered with amusement as Zoisite pouted. "That's no fair, Queen Beryl-sama! I have my uses, too!"

"I think you're perfectly suited for the job," Nephrite remarked. "After all, it takes a fool to do a fool's job."

"Shut up, Nephrite!" Zoisite growled.

"Do you not realize that the villians in every sentai series are required by law to have at least one of their members designated as comic relief?" Beryl snapped. "I won't allow you to let me lose my "Megalomaniacal Villian"'s license just because you don't want to act in the manner I have assigned to you! Is that clear, Zoisite?"

"Perfectly clear, my Queen," Zoisite sighed in defeat.

"Queen Beryl?"

"Yes, Nephrite?" Beryl replied as she turned toward her brown-haired minion.

"There is something I have just now realized," he mentioned as he gestured toward a large castle that had apparently gone unnoticed by everyone present until now for no logically explainable reason. "There is a perfectly acceptable castle here that we can use as our base."

"Splendid, Nephrite!"

"There is one more thing, my Queen."

"Yes? What is it?"

"About those two humans that broke the seal that freed us," he continued.

"Oh, yes. I almost forgot about those two. Well, kill them and be done with it."

"Well, there's a problem with that, my Queen."

"What?" Beryl frowned. "What problem?"

"They... sort of... well... escaped while we were dealing with that other group," Nephrite explained as he pointed toward the fleeing astronauts.

"RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!"

Beryl watched as the two astronauts scrambled into their shuttle, along with the huge moonrock they had carried with them, and took off in record speed, rocketing toward the Earth at speeds faster than the craft was designed for.

"Well, they were insignificant little goobers anyway," Beryl said dismissively as she left for her new castle.

Her four minions exchanged confused and bewildered looks, each mouthing the same word questioningly. 'Goobers?'

"What are you all waiting for? Get moving!"

"Yes, my Queen!"

* * *

Now, as we all know, the center of the sentai universe revolves around a designated meeting point, whether it be a center of recreation, of learning, or the front porch of some shrine way up on a hill in the middle of a sprawling metropolis.

Hey, it's been done before.

Regardless of location, it is an undocumented, yet widely accepted fact that if the Earth and/or the Universe needs saving, you may find champions of justice at this location.

Which was why a certain cat-shaped android found himself standing on the corner of 10th St. and University Ave., passing out flyers in an attempt at recruiting champions of jusice. Of course, his recruiting attempt might've gone smoother if this was the correct location.

Artemis sighed wearily as another group of passersby laughed at him under their breath. It wasn't his fault he was here doing this. He was only following orders. Granted, the orders were very strange, but strange he was used to. After all, being a cat-android was strange enough.

"That's it!" Artemis grumbled as he threw down his stack of flyers irritably. "I don't care if Luna said I had to do this! This is stupid! No one's gonna willingly become a Sailor Ranger! I guess I've gotta pick five of them myself."

Just as he was about to teleport away, a hand grabbed his shoulder. "Goin' somewhere, buddy?"

"Huh?" Artemis turned around, coming face to face with a policeman.

"Now, I ain't got nothin' against robots, ya see, but I can't have ya litterin' 'round here," the cop said in a heavy Kansai accent. "'less you wanna fine?"

"Eh, heh, heh...," the cat-android laughed sheepishly as he quickly gathered up the scattered flyers and teleported away.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the correct designated center of this particular sentai series, a.k.a. Juuban Junior High, a group of six friends were currently in school.

Mina Aino was not only a champion gymnast, but she was also head of the varsity cheerleading squad. For both her school AND for Juuban High. No one really knew how she managed that - not even Mina, herself - but everyone knew for certain that Mina was a damn good cheerleader. In addition to that, she was the captain of the girl's volleyball team, famous for her almost-killer spike, so named because she almost killed someone with it. The girl did recover, though, and the charges were dropped.

Lita Kino was captain of the girl's kempo club, as well as the girl's judo club, the girl's karate club, the girl's wrestling club, the girl's boxing club, and honorary offensive runningback for the boy's varsity football team. In spite of that, she was the top student in her home ec. class and was a top-notch chef, to boot.

Lita's brother, Ryoku - who, for some reason, refused to go by his birth name of Jason - was an athelete very much like his sister. He was captain of the kendo club, the kempo club, the judo club, the karate club, and was an honorary member of the cheerleading squad due to a certain chain of events, including a bet with Mina that went horribly, horribly wrong. And yes, they did make him wear the skirt.

Raye Hino was the undisputed Queen of the Campus, though many would not hesitate to add the word 'Drama' in front of her title. However, they certainly wouldn't do it to her face. Not if they wanted to live. As a captain of the debate team, her arguing skills were near-legendary, however, the arguments she would get into with her friend, Serena, were also considered near-legendary.

Amy Mizuno was the school's resident genius, often accredited with an I.Q. of 300 by people who don't really understand the scoring system. After all, the maximum I.Q. score is 180. She was the school's librarian, after having given the job by the previous librarian who had suffered one overdue book and one papercut too many. She was also captain of the chess club, although total membership of that club consisted of merely herself, a couple of other friends, and Ryoku, who enjoyed his status as an intelligent jock. Also, although it wasn't official, everyone in the entire school - except for Amy and Ryoku - knew that they were boyfriend and girlfriend, although the pair denied it every time it was brought up.

Serena Tsukino was your basic, all-around slacker. She wasn't stupid, but her grades were fairly poor; not to mention that she was also clumsy, stubborn, sneaky when she wanted to be, and could eat more than the entire sumo team in one sitting and still have room for desert. Of course, the last part could explain the times when she would become hyper and overenergetic for very little reason. However one wished to put it, her metabolism was a thing of evny throughout the entire school. She also was the only one of her friends to actually have - or rather, keep - a boyfriend. Officially, that is. Though the reason why Darien Chiba continued to go out with Serena despite all her faults was beyond most of the student body. And most of the faculty, as well. But since he went to Juuban High as a senior, most everyone figured that he just liked 'em young.

At this point in time, each one of these six were busy doing one thing or another by themselves.

Mina was in the middle of gym practice, currently in the middle of floor exercises.

Lita was in another section of the school gym, practicing some katas.

Raye was in the girls' locker room, finishing up changing out of her gym clothes and into her school uniform.

Amy was in the library, as usual.

Ryoku was also in the library.

With Amy.

Doing something besides reading.

Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink. Say no more.

Serena went to the bathroom.

At any rate, it was at this moment that Artemis had chosen to teleport the five girls. However, due to the... close proximity between Amy and Ryoku, one unexpected boy was added to the teleporter's manifest.

One by one, each girl appeared in a different colored streak of light; yellow for Mina, black for Lita, red for Raye, pink for Serena, and blue for Amy. The fact that Ryoku appeared in a streak of green light did not go unnoticed by Artemis, however, his cat-android mind was on other things.

Like the fact that Mina had been teleported in mid-routine and had backflipped into the wall hard enough to cause a mild concussion. Or, the fact that Raye had just finished putting on her shoes and straightened up in time to be kicked in the head by Lita, who hadn't expected a person's head to be in the way of her kata, and also received a mild concussion. Or, the fact that Serena had already removed her skirt and was in the process of removing her panties when she realized that she wasn't in the bathroom anymore. Or, the fact that this caused Serena to shriek and belt the first male she saw, who happened to be Ryoku, thus causing yet another mild concussion. Or, the fact that no one had noticed that Amy had been quietly making out with Ryoku before he was belted in the head by Serena.

Yes, it was times like these that he was so glad that he was used to strange things.

"Hey, where are we?" Lita asked as Amy was busy trying to revive Raye, Mina and Ryoku, and Serena was busy hiding as she put her skirt back on.

"I'm sorry I belted your boyfriend!"

"He's not my boyfriend! We're just friends!"

Artemis sighed and shook his head in vexation as he wobbled forward. "Greetings all. This is the Command Center. I am Artemis-5, however, you can just call me Artemis."

"Wow! A robot kitty!" Serena squealed in childish delight. "And he walks on his hind legs like a cat, too!"

"Hey! I'm an android, not a robot!" he shot back, then calmed himself down. "Anyway, I have brought the five of you-"

"There's six of us," Amy corrected as Mina started coming to.

"Ungh... Did someone get the license number of that truck?" Mina groaned, gingerly feeling her head with the hand that wasn't holding her up.

"There was supposed to be five," a female voice echoed in the room. "Everyone knows that a sentai team consists of five members. It's a union rule." A short pause. "Did you screw up again, Artemis?"

"Hey! I set the teleporter for five people!" he retorted. "It's not my fault I got six people!"

"I guess there's nothing for it," the voice replied as a giant, glowing, disembodied floating cat head shimmered to life at the far end of the room. "We'll just have to go ahead with what we have."

"Hey, cool!" Lita shouted, pointing at the giant cat head. "That's just like 'Star Wars!'"

"No, no," Amy corrected as she revived Raye and Ryoku. "I think the effect is more like 'The Wizard of Oz.'" She curiously regarded the chamber Luna's head floated in. "Is there someone inside, projecting this image overhead? Oh, wait. I'm not supposed to pay attention to the man behind the curtain, right?"

The giant floating cat head produced a sweatdrop that was easily the size of one cat-android. "At any rate, my name is Luna. I have gathered you girls here because a great evil has awakened."

"Freddy Kruger?" Mina guessed.

"Demons?" Raye guessed.

"Darth Vader?" Lita guessed.

"Teletubbies?" Amy guessed.

"Barney?" Serena guessed and shivered, as did everyone else, including Luna, as impossible as that may seem.

"Worse," Luna told them.

"More evil than Teletubbies or Barney?" Ryoku exclaimed. "Is that possible?"

"Yes. An evil queen from another dimension is trying to conquer the world," Luna explained. "Right now, there is no one on this planet who can stop them. However, with the transformation coins that we're about to give you, you five girls will become powerful enough to stand up to Queen Beryl and her minions."

"Excuse me, but what about me?" Ryoku asked, raising his hand.

"You're just here by accident," Artemis told him. "Though how you got here when I set the teleporter for five is very strange. I mean, you'd have to be practically inside the other person's clothing in order to be picked up by someone else's teleport." Artemis scratched his head ponderingly. "Hmm... maybe the teleporter's malfunctioning, or something."

"Yes, yes!" Amy and Ryoku agreed, nodding emphatically while blushing. "Must be a teleporter malfunction!"

"Riiiiiight...," everyone, including Artemis and Luna, said knowinging.

"Anyway! Artemis, get the coins," Luna commanded.

"Right," the cat-android acknowledged as he wobbled over to the control panel and pressed a few buttons. Suddenly, a jeweled box on a table teleported in front of the group. "Now, please open the box and take your transformation coins. Don't worry. You will know which one to take."

Each of the girls reached into the box and took a coin and curiously examined it. "Hmm...," Amy said as she judged the weight of the coin in her palm. "It feels too light to be gold. I wonder-" She cut off as she watched Serena unwrap the golden foil and bite into the exposed chocolate.

"Mmm, delicious!" she said happily.

"What the hell?" Raye exclaimed as she and the other girls unwrapped their coins. "Chocolate coins?"

"Artemis!" Luna growled. "Are those my special Swiss chocolate coins that I was saving for a special occasion?"

"...oops. Wrong box," Artemis laughed sheepishly as the box and table vanished, replaced by a different box and table. The chocolate coins, however, had already been consumed the moment the phrase 'Swiss chocolate' had been mentioned.

"Okay, here's the real thing," Artemis said, gesturing toward the box. "I mean it! I'm sure of it!" he added, noting everyone's skeptic looks.

"I'll take a look," Raye said grumbling as she opened the box and took a coin. "Hey, look," she said, examining the two sides of the coin. On one side was a picture of a Tyrannosaurus Rex and on the other side was the symbol for the planet Mars.

"Interesting," Amy said as she took a coin for herself. On one side was a picture of a Triceratops and on the other side was the symbol for the planet Mercury. "The weight of the coin feels about right for pure gold."

"Gold? Really?" Mina asked as she grabbed a coin. On one side was the picture of a Saber-toothed Tiger and on the other side was the symbol for the planet Venus. "Hey, do you think these were made by The Franklin Mint? I wonder what they'll go for on eBay?"

"Hey, lemme grab one!" Lita said and took a coin as well. On one side was the picture of a Mastodon and on the other side was the symbol for the planet Jupiter. "What's this? An elephant? I've got a hairy elephant coin? And the other side looks like a four! This's lame! Can I get a different coin?"

"I guess I get the last one, then," Serena said as she took her coin. On one side was the picture of a Pterodactyl and on the other side was the symbol for the Moon. "Hey! I've got a funny-looking birdie on mine!" She looked over the coin carefully. "Aw! It's not chocolate this time!"

"Forget about that!" Luna shouted irritably. "Just raise those coins overhead and say whatever comes to mind."

"This's lame."

"BESIDES THAT!"

Lita jerked back at the vehemence in Luna's voice. "Right!"

"Well, let's try it out," Raye suggested as she stepped forward.

"Do we have to?" Lita moaned, but acquiesced at Raye's glare. "Oh, fine," she grumbled, raising her coin over her head while the others followed suit. "Jupiter Mastodon Power!"

"Moon Pterodactyl Power!"

"Mercury Triceratops Power!"

"Venus Saber-toothed Tiger Power!"

"Mars Tyrannosaurus Power!"

The five girls were bathed in light, each girl in a different color similar to the one they teleported in with. When the light show ceased, the girls were each dressed in a combination of a bodysuit with helmet and a schoolgirl uniform, each uniform in a different color.

"You five are now warriors of love and justice," Luna announced boldly. "You are now Sailor Rangers."

"Wow!" Ryoku said, admiring the girls' new uniforms. "Not bad at all."

"Mmph. Mmrfph? Mrrphfrph!"

"Hmmm... I guess it must be hard to speak with those helmets on, huh?"

"Mmph mmrffph MMRRFPH!"

"I don't know. I don't think the helmets quite go with the outfit. Have you tried taking them off?"

"MMMMMMRRRRRRRPPPPPHHHHH!"

"Oh," Ryoku said, sweatdropping as he noticed that the girls were struggling to do just that. "Sorry. I didn't realize. Maybe if you... Got it!"

The helmet popped open on the first girl, allowing Mina her first breath of fresh air. "Gaaah! Are these things child-proof or something?" she exclaimed, slamming her helmet on the floor.

"Air!" Lita gasped as her helmet clattered to the floor. "Huh? Why the hell am I wearing black?"

"SAVED!" Serena gasped as well as she sat down on the floor and examined her uniform. "Yay! I got pink! I'm so happy!"

"Oh, shut up," Lita growled as Ryoku popped Raye's and Amy's helmets off as well.

"Are you trying to kill us?" Raye shouted fiercely.

"I don't think these helmets have any air vents," Amy said as she studied her helmet.

As one, the girls and Ryoku all glared at Artemis and Luna.

"Eh, heh, heh...," Artemis laughed nervously. "Oops."

"Artemis, you idiot," Luna sighed. "Look, you need to wear the helmets, otherwise you'll be recognized. No one can know your true identities. Otherwise, the enemy will be able to attack you at any time."

"Well, maybe you can drill some air holes into the helmets, or something," Ryoku suggested.

"Good idea," Artemis agreed. "You know how to work a drill?"

"Eh? Who me?"

* * *

"Jadeite! What is the status of my Youma army?" Beryl bellowed from her throne.

"I've hit a bit of a snag, my Queen," he began as he bowed before her. "The lighter gravity of the Moon seems to be making my Youma come out weaker than they're supposed to be. However, they are usable for the weak humans on the Earth. The problem is that if our foes have awakened as well..."

"Are you kidding?" Beryl scoffed. "I destroyed Serenity a millennium ago! I got her and her little cat, too! Eh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh!

"Anyway," she continued after regaining her composure, "I want you to release what Youma you do have to Kunzite and get to work on creating stronger Youma."

"Yes, my Queen," he replied. "I just need to procure stronger materials than the base I'm using now." He grimaced back at the large pile of empty yellow plastic tubs next to his workbench, each tub with identical red labels on it with the name "Play-Doh" printed in large, friendly white letters.

"See to it, Jadeite," she granted. "Nephrite, I want you to go down to Earth and locate stronger building materials for Jadeite's Youma."

"My Queen, I have already consulted the stars in search for a substance stronger than Play-Doh," Nephrite reported with a respectful bow. "They have given me a name of an incredibly powerful substance."

"What is it, Nephrite?"

"I believe it is called 'Silly Putty', my Queen," Nephrite told her.

"Silly Putty?"

"Yes, my Queen."

"Very well. Nephrite, I want you and Zoisite to down to Earth and collect all the Silly Putty you can find."

Nephrite winced. "But, my Queen! Didn't you assign Zoisite to act as our comic relief?"

Queen Beryl glanced over to her right where Zoisite was dressed up in a grey, monochrome jester's outfit, complete with curly shoes. "Yes, but the amount of Silly Putty needed to take over the world is grand, Nephrite. You will need help."

"I'd rather ask the Play-Doh Youma for help," he grumbled under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing!"

"Good. Now, go!"

"Queen Beryl-sama, can I at least change out of this outfit first?"

"Very well, Zoisite. But, remember your role!"

Zoisite sighed heavily. "Yes, Queen Beryl-sama," he sighed and disappeared after Nephrite.

"Kunzite, you will take our new Youma army and begin the first wave of our attack," Beryl commanded. "Our first target is here!" she stated, pointing at a map of Tokyo. "Tokyo Disneyland!"

"Are you sure, my Queen?" Kunzite asked. "Wouldn't an attack on downtown Tokyo be more effective and in-genre?"

Beryl regarded him thoughtfully. "I suppose you're right. Very well, then. Attack the downtown Azabu Juuban district instead!"

"Yes, my Queen!" he bowed and teleported away.

* * *

/eyecatch: Mighty Henshin Sailor Rangers/

/Quick montage of each Sailor Ranger's transformation sequence, followed by the show's logo./

/Commercial/

(Scene opens up with a young woman seated in front of a very futuristic-looking computer. The computer seems to be translucent and consists of only two panels, one for the keyboard and the other for the display. Neither panel seems to be connected to the other, nor do they seem to be touching the ground. In fact, they just seem to be floating in midair, undisturbed my the young woman's constant typing. As for the woman herself, she seems to be quite young with a very long shock of red hair, waist-length, held back by a blue headband. Her clothing seems quite simple, almost scholarly. As she quietly types away at her computer, a diminuitive being, clothed in green, almost Greco-Roman style armor with a broom sticking out of his helmet, quickly waddles up to her as a humorously whimsical, yet slightly dissonant, little ditty plays in the background.)

Diminuitive being:  
Excuse me, but I am looking for an Eludyium PU-32 explosive space modulator.

Red-head scientist:  
/grinning as she hands him a long red cylinder/ Here you go. By the way, since this is a very old and inefficient model, I took the liberty of adding a few modifications here and there. Enjoy!

Diminuitive being:  
/happily/ Oh, goodie!

(The diminuative figure waddles away accompanied by a humorously whimsical, yet slightly dissonant little ditty.)

(Scene cuts to far away shot of the planet Mars, where the entire planet suddenly blows up, leaving only a tiny boulder wide enough for the Diminuitive Being to stand on. He is currently looking quite disheveled and covered mostly in soot.)

Diminuitive being:  
... -cough-

Voice-over:  
/deadpan/ Don't ask Washu-chan. Ask Jeeves.

(Scene cuts to the Ask Jeeves logo.)

Washu:  
But, I'm the Greatest Scientific Genius in the Universe!

/End Commercial/

/eyecatch: Mighty Henshin Sailor Rangers/

/Quick montage of each Sailor Ranger in civilian ID, including Ryoku, each fighting Play-Doh Youma in their own style, followed by the show's logo./

* * *

An alarm suddenly started wailing, causing everyone's attention to shift to the flashing lights by the control panel.

"It's an attack!" Artemis exclaimed as he wobbled over to the control panel and started fiddling with the knobs and switches.

"Everyone, behold the viewing globe," Luna said sagely.

Ryoku finished up drilling the holes in the last helmet, he joined the Sailor Rangers in staring at the viewing globe. "Is it on?" he asked. "It looks like there's nothing but snow."

"It's a snowglobe!" Serena said as she stepped forward, picked up the globe, and started shaking it.

"Hey! Don't shake that!" Artemis shouted and accidentally pushed the wrong button, causing a video feed to display.

"Yes! Yes! Oh, yes! Give it... to me! YES!"

"AAACK!" Artemis exclaimed as he struggled to figure out which button he pushed on accident.

"What the heck?" Raye exclaimed.

"Woah... Is that even physically possible?" Serena asked, staring in astonishment.

"Aren't we a bit underage to be seeing this?" Lita asked.

"You gotta problem with it?" Mina inquired.

"No, just making idle conversation," Lita said as she brought out a large tub of popcorn.

"Hey, where'd you get that?" Serena asked.

"Ryoku," she replied between mouthfuls. "He's surprisingly resourceful when it comes to things like this. Mmm! Kettle corn!"

"Got it!" Artemis said as the video feed cut off.

"Awww!" all of the Sailor Rangers pouted simultaneously. Amy quickly put away the pad of paper before anyone could catch her with it.

"All right, everyone. Look at the viewing globe now," Artemis prompted.

In the globe, an image of different colored figures, each with identical builds, were rampaging around the downtown Azabu Juuban area, smashing windows, tipping over cars, crushing mailboxes, flipping women's skirts, taking candy from babies, and generally making a nuisance of themselves.

"So, Juuban's getting attacked by drunk college students?" Ryoku inquired.

"NO!" Luna barked irritably. "That's the enemy!"

"You gotta be kidding me," Raye said, getting quite vexed. "You mean, we gotta go out and take care of this mess?"

"Affirmative," Artemis stated.

"No way."

"Well, judging by the direction of the path of destruction, I believe that Juuban Junior High is one of the next targets to be hit," Luna added. "Not to mention that most of your homes are also in this path."

"Well, since you put it that way...," Raye amended. "Are our helmets ready to go, Ryoku?"

"Ready," he replied, tossing the helmets to their respective owners.

The Sailor Rangers quickly donned their helmets and found that they could now breathe through them. "Thanks, Ryoku," the Red Sailor Ranger said gratefully.

"No problem. Have fun out there," he said, waving as the five Sailor Rangers teleported away in five streaks of different colored light. "So, I guess I just get to watch, then?" he asked, jerking a thumb at the viewing globe.

"It's not really that bad," Artemis told him. "We just got cable a few weeks ago."

"Cool," he said as he leaned against the table with the jeweled box, unintentionally bumping the box off the table. "Oops..."

The box tumbled down to the floor and hit hard enough to jar loosen the cushioning, causing a golden coin to come rolling out of the box.

"Hey, there it is!" Artemis exclaimed as he picked up the coin. "I thought we lost this coin a long time ago." He then tossed the coin over to Ryoku. "Here. I think this's yours."

Ryoku deftly snatched the coin out of the air. On one side was the picture of what he thought was possibly a dragon's scale and on the other side was a symbol that looked like a combination of the symbol for the planet Earth and the symbol for the Moon with a pair of crossed swords behind them. "So I guess I can transform, too, then, hmm?"

"You must hurry," Luna urged. "The other Sailor Rangers may need your help."

"This seems kinda convenient to me, you know?" Ryoku mentioned. "Besides, shouldn't I be showing up mysteriously, just in the nick of time to help my friends when they need it most, or something like that?"

"Who cares? Just transform and go, dammit!" Luna shouted impatiently.

"Fine, fine. It just feels like I'm doing someone else's shtick." He raised his coin overhead. "Knight Dragonzord Power!"

* * *

The five Sailor Rangers teleported down onto one of the major crossroads of downtown Azabu Juuban and were about to rush in to stop the Play-Doh Youma when a sixth Sailor Ranger - one thankfully combined with a schoolboy's outfit, rather than a schoolgirl's outfit - appeared before them.

"Wait a minute!" the Red Sailor Ranger said pointing at the newly arrived green Sailor Ranger. "Who the heck are you?"

"No time to explain," the Green Sailor Ranger said, nodding quickly. "The enemy is about to close in on us." He dramatically pointed behind them at the horde of Play-Doh Youma converging on them.

"AAH!" the Pink Sailor Ranger exclaimed and cowered behind a nearby tree. "Do you mean, we gotta fight those things?"

"You got it," the Red Sailor Ranger said, nodding her head. "Everyone, let's get to it."

"Right!" all the Sailor Rangers agreed and nodded, except for the Pink Sailor Ranger, who was still cowering behind the tree. The Green Sailor Ranger promptly gave the Pink Sailor Ranger a swift kick in the butt, causing her to yelp as she jumped to her feet.

"Uh, right!" she acknowledged with a sharp nod, pausing only to gingerly rub her bottom where she was kicked.

As a group, the six Sailor Rangers all began taking on small groups of Play-Doh Youma. Surprisingly enough, the Youma showed little to no close-quarters combat capability, so the battle really wasn't that hard.

The Black Sailor Ranger barreled through groups of Youma, displaying a high competency of the martial arts. The Pink Sailor Ranger mostly dodged the Youma's attacks, but the manner in which she dodged was highly erratic and very awkward; her motions almost matching that of a man in a drunken stupor. The Blue Sailor Ranger moved very cautiously and defensively, displaying a surprising knowledge of Aikido. The Yellow Sailor Ranger practically danced about the battlefield, using her gymnast skills combined with an astonishing display of advanced Capoeira moves. The Red Sailor Ranger mentally thanked herself for those years she took studying Tae Kwon Do as she quickly took down one Youma after the next, each kick swift and powerful. The Green Sailor Ranger mostly stood his ground as he took down Youma upon Youma using the same style of martial arts as the Black Sailor Ranger, only with a slightly higher degree of skill.

"Hey, wait a second," the Green Ranger said as the last Play-Doh Youma hit the ground and disappeared. "How come all of you know martial arts all of a sudden? I'm sure half of you didn't before now."

As a group, all five female Sailor Rangers collectively shrugged. "Your guess is as good as ours."

Despite having a helmet on, the Green Sailor Ranger sweatdropped. "I see..."

"A most impressive display," a caped figure said as he suddenly appeared. "However, you were only dealing with substandard Youma. As I speak, we are gathering materials in order to create even stronger Youma." The man smirked. "But that doesn't really matter, as I will be the one to destroy you all, right here!"

"So, who's this guy?" the Black Ranger asked, jerking a thumb back toward the new arrival.

"Beats me," the Yellow Ranger replied, shrugging demonstratively.

"Well, he did say that he wanted to destroy us," the Blue Ranger mentioned. "I'm quite sure that he's the one who's in charge of all those Youma we destroyed."

"No kidding," the Red Ranger said as she stepped forward and pointed at the caped figure. "Hey! Don't you know it's impolite not to introduce yourself?" she declared, nodding.

"Yeah!" the other Sailor Rangers added, all nodding as well.

"Very well. I am Kunzite, General of the Dark Kingdom and first under Queen Beryl's command!" the caped figure announced, letting his cape flap dramatically, despite the fact that there wasn't any wind present.

"Hey, how's he doing that?" the Yellow Ranger asked, nodding her head at Kunzite.

"Doing what?" the Green Ranger asked, nodding back.

"His cape's flapping, but there's no wind," she replied, nodding again.

"Maybe he's doing it for show?" the Pink Ranger suggested, nodding as well.

"You think so?" the Black Ranger asked, nodding.

"Yeah," the Pink Ranger nodded.

The Black Ranger nodded.

The Yellow Ranger nodded.

The Green Ranger nodded.

The Blue Ranger nodded.

The Red Ranger nodded.

Kunzite nodded.

* * *

At a Silly Putty factory somewhere in Osaka, both Nephrite and Zoisite nodded.

/jingle, jingle/ "But why do I have to keep on wearing this stupid outfit?" /jingle, jingle/

* * *

On the Moon, Queen Beryl nodded.

Then Jadeite nodded, accidently dropping his newest Silly Putty Youma into the trash compactor. Which just happened to turn on once the Youma fell in.

"Ah! Mr. Bill!"

"Oooooh, nooooooo!"

* * *

Back at the command center, Artemis and Luna nodded.

* * *

Somewhere back in school, Darien nodded. He then proceeded to wonder why the author had waited until now to introduce him, as it was getting pretty late in the chapter.

* * *

On the couch back in the Zero Reality, both the hooded figure and Jason nodded.

"Don't you think this gag's been going on long enough?" Jason asked.

"Maybe you should get back to the story, then," the figure suggested.

"Oh. Right."

* * *

"All right," the Red Ranger said, holding up both hands for emphasis. "I now call 'No More Excessive Nodding' even if it is 'in-genre.'"

"Agreed," everyone present, including Kunzite, agreed.

"Now that that matter is settled, we will not allow you to take over our city, Kunzite!" she shouted, dramatically pointing again.

"Try and stop me," he replied as he drew his sword and rushed the group of Sailor Rangers. The Sailor Rangers bravely tried to fend off Kunzite's attacks, but were severely underpowered.

"Is this the best you can throw at me?" he laughed, brandishing his sword triumphantly at the prone Sailor Rangers. "You might as well just go home!"

"Sailor Rangers, come in!" a tinny voice screeched from each Sailor Ranger's right wrist.

"Artemis?" the Red Ranger replied.

"You need to call on your weapons to fight Kunzite!" he explained urgently.

"Weapons?" she repeated questiongly as she and the other Sailr Rangers stood up. "What weapons? You never mentioned any weapons!"

"...oops."

"Arrrteeeeeemiiiiiiis!"

"I'm sorry! I forgot!" the cat-android's voice shouted penitently. "Look, you should be able to instinctively summon your weapons into your hands. Then, you'll have the power you need to defeat Kunzite!"

"All right, then," the Red Ranger said as she turned toward the other Sailor Rangers. "You heard the cat-robot!"

"Cat-ANDROID!"

She chose to ignore the tinny voice. "Everyone, arm up!"

The Green Ranger reached up and drew a green elaborate-looking sword out of nowhere with holes that looked like they belonged on a recorder and a mouthpiece on the hilt. "Holes? Why does my sword have holes in it?"

The Black Ranger reached up and drew a large, black metal axe out of nowhere. "Look, I know I'm tall and very strong for a girl, but do you have to rub it in?" The axe suddenly changed into a metal staff. "Well, I guess that'll do. Thanks."

The Pink Ranger reached up and drew a metal, pink-colored frisbee out of nowhere. "Yay! It's a frisbee!" She paused for a moment. "How far do you think this thing'll go if it's made of metal?"

The Blue Ranger reached up and drew a blue, metal composite bow from out of nowhere. "Um... where're the arrows?"

The Yellow Ranger reached up and drew a yellow whip from out of nowhere. "OH, YEAH! YOU WILL CALL ME QUEEN!" she shouted, cracking her whip while laughing audaciously. "Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!"

'Mina's scary...,' all the other Sailor Rangers thought with a shiver.

The Red Ranger reached up and drew a large red harisen from out of nowhere. "What?" she exclaimed and opened up the fan, where the words 'Akuryo Taisan' were written in Kanji. "You've gotta be kidding me! What the hell is this?"

"Are you finally ready to offer a real fight?" Kunzite taunted as he rushed forward once again. This time, the General was hard pressed to keep up with the Sailor Rangers' attacks. He ducked under a combined attack from the Green and Black Rangers' sword and staff, while dodging the Blue Ranger's arrows - which she finally learned to make appear by mental command - and Pink Ranger's frisbee. However, he did get caught up in the Yellow Ranger's whip, which gave the Red Ranger the perfect opportunity to whap him over the head with her harisen.

"What is this, some sort of slapstick comedy routine?" Kunzite grumbled as he stood back up again.

"This isn't working," the Blue Ranger said suddenly. "Maybe we should try combining our weapons?"

"What? What makes you think that'll work?" the Red Ranger inquired.

"This," she said, pointing to the small writing on her bow next to what seemed to be parts of an interlock system. The writing looked like it said 'Slot B'.

"Well, what the heck," the Red Ranger sighed irritably. "We might as well give it a shot.

"Power Harisen!" the Red Ranger shouted, unfolding her fan widely and tossing it up horizontally in the air, handle forward.

"Power Whip!" the Yellow Ranger shouted, tossing her coiled whip up to where it connected with the top half of the harisen, forming a sort of handle.

"Power Bow!" the Blue Ranger shouted, tossing her bow up to where it fused with the bottom half of the harisen, pointing forward as well.

"Power Frisbee!" the Pink Ranger shouted, tossing her frisbee up to where it fused with the harisen near where the bow was fused.

"Power Staff!" the Black Ranger shouted, taking her staff apart at the middle and tossing both halves up to fuse with the two sides of the top half of the harisen and the bow, one on each side.

The Green Ranger shrugged, as his weapon wasn't compatible with the other five.

The combined weapon came back down into the Red Rangers hands, after which she pointed the weapon toward their foe. "Get ready, Kunzite!" she stated as the other Sailor Rangers gathered beside their leader.

"Fire!" all five shouted as the weapon fired a multicolored beam of energy at the General, which struck him dead on.

"Ow," Kunzite muttered after the beam struck, leaving the top part of his uniform covered in soot.

* * *

"Damn that Kunzite!" Queen Beryl growled furiously as she watched the battle in her crystal ball. "Can't he do anything right? Jadeite! Isn't my new Youma ready yet?"

"I still don't have enough Silly Putty, my Queen," Jadeite reported. "However, I have finished the new magic growth balls you wanted me to create," he added, presenting a pair of balls to her.

"Give me those!" she exclaimed, grabbing Jadeite's balls. She rushed over to the balcony and faced the Earth. "Magic ball, make my Kunzite grow!" she intoned, throwing one of the balls down toward Earth.

* * *

The magic ball rocketed down toward the battlefield where it conked Kunzite in the head, knocking him flat on his face.

"Ow."

The ball burst on contact, dousing him in a clear liquid. The liquid caused the General to grow at an incredible rate, allowing him to clear the downtown Tokyo skyline.

"Holy crap...," the Green Ranger muttered.

"Okay, O Glorious Leader, what now?" the Black Ranger inquired sarcastically.

"Hey! Artemis!" the Red Ranger shouted into her wrist. "You better have something we can use in a situation like this!"

"Sailor Rangers, you need to call on your Zords!" Artemis explained.

"Zords? What the hell are Zords?" the Black Ranger asked impatiently.

"Hey, wasn't there an anime about them recently?" the Yellow Ranger interrupted.

"That was 'Zoids,'" the Green Ranger replied dryly.

"Ah."

"Can we get back to the matter at hand?" the Red Ranger exclaimed heatedly.

"Sorry," the Yellow and Green Rangers replied.

"The Zords can be summoned the same way that you summon your weapons," Artemis explained. "You must hurry, Sailor Rangers!"

"So, we just call on them by mental command?" the Blue Ranger supposed.

"I guess that's about right," the Red Ranger replied. "At any rate, let's do it!"

"I call upon the Mastodon!" the Black Ranger shouted, thrusting her hand into the air. From the frozen wastes of the far North, a large black Mastodon mecha with the symbol for Jupiter on its sides stampeded out of hiding.

"I call upon the Pterodactyl!" the Pink Ranger shouted, also thrusting her hand into the air. From the dormant volcano of Mt. Fuji, a large pink Pterodactyl mecha with the symbol for the Moon on its chest shot out into the sky.

"I call upon the Triceratops!" the Blue Ranger shouted, thrusting her hand into the air as well. From the deserts to the far West, a large blue Triceratops mecha with the symbol for Mercury on its sides ambled on toward its destination.

"I call upon the Saber-toothed Tiger!" the Yellow Ranger shouted, thrusting her hand into the air, the same as those who had gone before her. From the forests in the contryside, a large yellow Saber-toothed Tiger mecha with the symbol for Venus on its sides burst out from its hiding place within the trees.

"I call upon the Tyrannosaurus!" the Red Ranger shouted, also thrusting her hand into the air because it worked for everyone else and she really didn't want to feel left out. From the mountainous regions of the Gunma prefecture, a large red Tyrannosaurus mecha with the symbol for Mars on its sides lumbered out from the mountains.

"I call upon the Dragonzord!" the Green Ranger shouted, thrusting his hand into the air as well.

Crickets chirped as nothing happened.

"I think your Zord is defective," the Pink Ranger remarked as she and the other Sailor Rangers teleported into their Zords.

"Maybe your Zord is summoned differently," the Blue Ranger suggested. "After all, your weapon is different from ours, so perhaps the same applies to your Zord?"

"Why don't these things come with intruction manuals?" the Green Ranger grumbled as he glanced down at his sword. The blade still reminded him of a recorder. "Hmm...," he mused and brought the mouthpiece on the hilt to his lips.

Or rather, tried to as his lips were currently inside his helmet. "Crap!" he grumbled as his fingers ran over the holes on the blade. Oddly enough, music started playing from the blade, despite the fact that no air was blowing through it.

"Hmph. Convenient enough. Works for me," he shrugged as he continued playing the sword-recorder. As he played, a large green dragon-like mecha surfaced from underneath the docks at Hinode Pier. The same symbol that was on his transformation coin also appeared on the dragon mecha's chest.

An attempt to teleport inside the mecha made the Green Ranger realize something. "What gives? I can't get in!"

"Just a moment," the Red Ranger replied as she settled in behind her console. "All right, Sailor Rangers! Let's combine our mecha into something that can fight Kunzite!"

"How do we do that?" the Pink Ranger asked.

"See that button that says 'Combine into Sailorzord' on your console?" she replied dryly.

"Oh," the Pink Ranger said sheepishly, while everyone else sweatdropped, including the mecha.

"According to the manual," the Blue Ranger said as she flipped through the owner's manual she had found in the glove compartment, "our transformation coins can be transformed into crystals that will give our Zords the power to combine into Sailorzord. Once we create the crystals, we can insert them into the slot above the 'Combine' button, which will power our transformation."

"Everyone got that?" the Red Ranger asked.

"Right!" everyone confirmed.

"Then, power up your crystals!" she ordered as she brought out her transformation coin and caused a crystal to appear by touching the coin with her opposite hand and extending it away from the coin while focusing on making the crystal. The other Sailor Rangers managed to follow the same process at the same time, after which, everyone plunged their crystals into the indicated slots and hit the 'Combine' button.

The five Zords suddenly started converging onto one point where, after a series of rearraging parts and limbs and appendages and such, they managed to transform into a thirty-story 1964 Chevy Impala.

"What the hell is this?" the Red Ranger exclaimed incredulously.

"Whoops! I put my crystal in backward," the Pink Ranger replied.

"Well, FIX IT!" the other Sailor Rangers shouted irritably.

"Right!" the Pink Ranger acknowledged and fixed the crystal.

A second button push later, the five Zords recombined into a thirty-story humanoid mecha in heavy armor.

"Hey! I finally figured out what's wrong with my mecha!" the Green Ranger reported from their communications speaker. "My mecha's remote-controlled! I can control him using my sword and by mental command.

"Anyway, ready to take Kunzite down?" the Green Ranger suggested.

"Ready!" the other five Sailor Rangers replied.

Meanwhile, Kunzite noticed that the two Zords were now approaching him. He carefully set down his giant-sized book of "How to Destroy Superheroes for Dummies" and stood up, dusting the specks of debris from sitting on one of the smaller buildings off of his cape. "So, are you two finally ready to fight?" he taunted, bringing out his sword again.

"You won't defeat us!" the Red Ranger declared as she lead the Sailorzord forward to attack with the Dragonzord supporting.

"Missle barrage!" the Green Ranger shouted as he played his sword-recorder. The Dragonzord's hands sunk into its body, where ten missles were loaded into each of the ten fingers. Once the hands came back out, all ten missles fired.

And all ten missles missed.

And all ten missles hit random cars, buses, buildings, and the occasional statue of Colonel Sanders.

"Oops."

"Here, let us show you how it's done!" the Red Ranger said as the Sailorzord rushed into the attack, punching and kicking at it's opponent. Kunzite merely dodged or blocked each of the blows, and struck back, knocking the Sailorzord into one of the taller buildings, knocking it down.

"Oops. I think we broke their building," the Pink Ranger pointed out.

"I know we broke their building!" the Red Ranger retorted. "We don't have time to worry about that right now!"

The Dragonzord rushed to its ally's aid, attacking with claw and tail swipes. The attacks were somewhat more effective than Sailorzord's attacks, but marginally so.

"Summon the Power Sword!" the Yellow Ranger suggested.

"What Power Sword?" the Black Ranger inquired.

"What do you mean?" she shot back. "This's a sentai series, right? So our giant robot's got to have a giant sword!"

"You've said some weird things before, but that actually makes some sense," the Red Ranger remarked. "All right everyone, let's do it!"

A large sword suddenly dropped out of the sky and slammed into the ground point first. Sailorzord ambled over to the blade and pulled it out of the ground just in time to catch the Dargonzord as Kunzite threw the Zord into it.

"Hey, watch where you're being thrown!" the Red Ranger snapped.

"Excuse me, then," the Green Ranger retorted in a slightly vexed tone. "Maybe we should try double-teaming him?" he suggested.

"Sounds good," she replied. "We'll lead."

"Got it."

The newly-armed Sailorzord rushed in and clashed swords with Kunzite, while the Dragonzord circled around and struck from the rear. The combined attack was starting to wear down Kunzite, who was slowing starting to take more hits from the slower Sailorzord and Dragonzord.

"He's almost finished!" the Blue Ranger pointed out. "We should combine with the Dragonzord so can deliver the final blow!"

"Oh, you would love to 'combine' with the Green Ranger's 'Zord', wouldn't you?" the Yellow Ranger said insinuatingly.

"I told you, he's NOT my boyfriend!"

"Enough, already!" the Red Ranger snapped. "Let's just do this and get it over with. I've had enough weirdness for one day."

"Agreed," the other Sailor Rangers all replied with a quick nod.

"Then, let's combine with the Dragonzord to form Super Sailorzord!" she commanded.

The Dragonzord split itself in half, except for the head and slowly lowered itself onto the Sailorzord as a cowl. Inside Super Sailorzord, a sixth chair rose from underneath the floor as the Green Ranger teleported aboard.

"Everyone ready?" the Red Ranger asked.

"Ready!" came the unanimous reply.

"Power up Super Sailorzord!"

Power began to gather amongst the ten fingers of the Dragonzord-cowl and the Power Sword in Super Sailorzord's hands.

"Fire!" all six Sailor Rangers shouted at once as a barrage of energy fire pummeled Kunzite. A final burst of energy was about to strike him when he was suddenly teleported away. The blast harmlessly struck a commercial building behind where he was standing and blew it up instead.

"We won!" the Yellow Ranger cheered.

"You call this a victory?" the Black Ranger asked, gesturing toward all the rubble around them.

"I guess you can say it's better this city suffers, rather than the entire world suffers," the Green Ranger remarked. "This still sucks, though."

"I think we should call this a day," the Red Ranger added.

"I agree," the Blue Ranger replied. "Besides, there's that test tomorrow that we need to study for."

"Aw, did you have to remind me about that?" the Pink Ranger whined.

Meanwhile, Luna and Artemis listened to this conversation and sighed tiredly. "Maybe we should consider that backup plan, after all," Luna said, slightly dismayed at the Sailor Rangers' performance.

"I really wish we hadn't decided on using junior high school students," Artemis lamented. "I'm sure high school students would've been better."

"We're stuck with what we've got, Artemis," Luna said sadly. "We can only hope things get better as time goes on."

* * *

Three months later...

Six different colored streaks of light appeared in the middle of the command center, each solidifying into their respective Sailor Ranger. "Luna, what's going on?" Raye inquired, steping forward dramatically.

"Oh, Sailor Rangers! Thank goodness you're here!" Artemis exclaimed as he wobbled forward as he always did. "There's big trouble!"

The group, as one, turned from the wobbling cat-android to regard the giant floating cat head. "Sailor Rangers, Queen Beryl has sent another Youma to attack the city."

"Again?" Lita complained. "That's gotta be what? The third one this week?"

"Oh, that's gonna so mess up my cheerleader practice today," Mina moaned.

"But, I've gotta date with Mamo-chan!" Serena exclaimed.

"Who?" the other girls asked.

"I mean, Darien," Serena corrected. "Come on! It's hard to keep track of which names we're going by when everyone keeps on switching them on us!"

"Quit complaining!" Raye snapped. "You and Amy the only ones with boyfriends, so you've got no right to be making complaints."

"WE'RE NOT DATING!" Amy and Ryoku exclaimed heatedly.

"Methinks they doth protest too much," Mina said, wiggling her eyebrows insinuatingly.

"EXCUSE ME!" Luna shouted, interrupting the group. "Now do I have your attention?" she asked, sounding slightly satisfied at seeing the Sailor Rangers jump a good six feet off the ground. "Now, there's a Youma attacking the city. You're going to fight it. Any questions?"

"How does the city manage to rebuild itself so quickly after a Youma battle?" Raye asked.

"How does the city manage to fund its extensive reconstruction?" Amy asked.

"How come your head's all fuzzy like that?" Mina asked.

"How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?" Serena asked.

"Does the viewing globe get Cartoon Network or the Anime Network?" Ryoku asked.

"Why do I gotta be the Black Ranger?" Lita asked. "I'm supposed to be Green. My Senshi colors are green and pink. Not black. Pink and green are nowhere near black. Whose idea was this anyway? I wanna speak with my agent."

"Just transform and go, dammit," Luna grumbled.

"All right!" Raye shouted. "Everyone, transform!"

"Hey, wait!" Serena interrupted. "How come you're the leader, Raye?"

"Simple. I'm the Red Ranger. Therefore, I'm the leader."

"But, I'm supposed to be the leader!"

"You wanted to be the Pink Ranger, Serena," Raye told her. "You got it. Now, shut up and transform."

"Fine," Serena grumbled. "But, I'm the leader next time."

"Jupiter Mastodon Power!"

"Moon Pterodactyl Power!"

"Mercury Triceratops Power!"

"Venus Saber-toothed Tiger Power!"

"Mars Tyrannosaurus Power!"

"Knight Dragonzord Power!"

After the Sailor Rangers transformed and teleported away, Luna gave a sigh of relief. "Artemis, please tell me again why I gave them those transformation coins."

"You were asleep for over a thousand years, Luna," Artemis explained as he wobbled over to one of the control panels and activate the viewing globe. "I don't think all your mental facilities were completely online at the time."

"I guess you might be right..."

"That would also explain why you made me walk on my hind legs when you know that cats are four-legged creatures," Artemis grumbled. "I look so stupid wobbling about like this."

"Don't complain, Artemis. At least you have a body. All I've got is a head. Do you know how much that sucks? I've had this itch on my nose for the last six weeks and I've never been able to scratch it! It's enough to drive a person mad!"

Despite being a cat-android, Artemis managed to sweatdrop.

"So, what is the progress on our backup plan?" Luna inquired.

Artemis moved a few knobs and switches. "I believe he'll be ready to go in two days," he reported with some relief.

"Excellent," Luna said, mirroring Artemis' relief. "And how's our volunteer?"

"He's responding well," he replied.

"Good," she said, nodding. "The last thing I want is for him to start becoming as weird and unstable as our other Sailor Rangers. After all, high school students are supposed to be more mature than junior high students, right?"

"I hope so," Artemis said, adjusting the image on the viewing globe to display a new Sailor Ranger in a white uniform.

"By the way, where'd that rose in his hand come from?" she asked, noting the flower in his right hand.

"I have no idea," the cat-android replied.

* * *

"Well, that was sufficiently weird," the hooded figure remarked.

"Yeah. Ain't it great?" Jason said, grinning childishly. "Hey, wanna try something else?"

"All right, then. I say we stay with Sailor Moon for the time being. What's your choice?"

"Hmm...," Jason said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "Oh, I know! I choose Captain Planet."

The root beer bottle descended, smacking the TV hard enough for the picture to change to snow. The TV fizzled for a moment, then changed channels again.

* * *

Author's Note: And so, the insanity truly begins! Channel 01 is complete! I've got a few more ideas for other Channels, but if you've got a crossover idea you'd like me to write out, let me know. The address for the LJ where I'm taking requests is in the Preview chapter, a.k.a. the Prologue. I hope you enjoy the other chapters when they come out.

Disclaimer: All original materials belong to their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This story belongs me, so I would appreciate it very much if you would ask for permission before posting it anywhere else. Thank you.

Copyright © 2005 Jason C. Ulloa.  
All Rights Reserved. 


	3. Channel 02 Captain Moon & the Lunateers

Channel Surfing  
by Jason C. Ulloa

Channel 02 - Captain Moon and the Lunateers

For years now, the problem with waste management was that no one really wanted to manage it. I mean, who would want to work with trash, day in and day out? So a group of people gathered together to try and solve this problem.

However, the best solution they came up with was to change the job title from trashman to sanitation engineer.

Satisfied with their accomplishments, the committee adjourned for an early lunch.

When it was later discovered that this was not the problem that they were supposed to be discussing, the committee promptly reconvened.

More discussion led to the following suggestions:

1. Get people to stop generating waste. Of course, this required people to stop buying things, and for certain manufacturers, marketers, shipping agencies, retailers, and shopaholics this was a threat to their very way of life and should be avoided at all costs.

2. Expand on current waste holding facilities. There were already many places designated to hold vast amounts of waste; a.k.a. landfills and the like. All that was needed was to build more. However, land to use as such was growing very scarce, and the very idea of building one so close to home wasn't well received, even if the trip would be vastly shortened. Being downwind of such a facility killed any positive impacts this would generate.

3. Dump waste elsewhere, possibly the Moon or Outer Space. While being a possibility - and an interesting one at that, seeing as Space is pretty damn big and no one would really notice (is that a asteroid or a trashbag?) - actually implementing Operation: Space Waste would be quite difficult, as no one had a spare space shuttle lying around that could be used for something other than hauling satellites and astronauts around. Not to mention that space shuttles and space launches could get very pricey. As the saying went, it was too rich for their blood.

4. Burn, baby, burn! Trashbag inferno!

The originator of this suggestion was promptly shot in the head. His suggestion was then appropriately rephrased.

4. Waste incineration. This was already put into affect at certain facilities; however, his suggestion was to increase the rate of incineration to keep up with the current waste generation rate. A good idea, however, with the rate of generation as it was, it wouldn't be long before the skies above such facilities would resemble Los Angeles during peak rush hour. Not a good thing for those who enjoy activities such as breathing.

5. Recycling. The idea of taking existing waste and reconditioning certain articles to make them usable again. For many, this was a wonderful concept. It would cut down on natural resources lost and provide a whole new source for manufacturing resources. The only downside they could think of was that no one really wanted to dig around in the trash for their reusable resources.

Ick.

However, since no one could really think of anything better, option 5 was the plan of action they decided to put into effect. Besides, they could always hire people to root around in the trash for them.

* * *

Days passed...

Then, weeks passed...

After that, months passed...

Then, a couple of years passed...

But before that, two days, five hours, four minutes and twenty-nine seconds passed...

However, this has absolutely nothing to do with the story.

For those of you who might be annoyed and/or irritated with the author's pointless space-wasting nonsense, please direct all hate mail to /EMAIL ADDRESS REMOVED DUE TO EXCESSIVE FLAME EMAIL/.

Thank you.

And now, the author finally gets on with the story...

* * *

At a certain set of latitudinal and longitudinal coordinates, lying in relative obscurity, an island peacefully existed, floating happily in the middle of the Pacific. Normally this tropical little paradise would be considered a prime vacation getaway location, however, seeing as it was not listed on any map as being inhabitable, it was usually overlooked.

Normally, conditions like that would make this location an ideal "Survivor" locale; however, it was believed that even though the island was uninhabitable, the surroundings were too opulent to be used as a struggle-to-live environment. That, and the island surroundings were too lovely and distracting for them to get any proper backbiting, scheming, betrayals, and idiotic beach games done.

As such, the island enjoyed its calm solitude.

Now, although the island is listed as uninhabitable on whatever lists that list islands as habitable, the truth is that the island was, in fact, inhabited. Just not by humans.

In the center of this tropical island was a small building constructed mostly of bamboo as its frame, with wide open windows and hallways to allow breezes to easily pass through, cooling the area. The roof was made with tightly woven thatch which surprisingly worked very well to keep the rain out on the rare occasions it did rain. The floor was wooden, sanded until it was very smooth and lightly varnished.

Near the center of this small building, a small chamber held the building's only occupant, who was resting quietly in a bed with a frame made of some sort of white crystal.

-BOOM!-

Well, so much for resting quietly.

"Ugh..." The figure slowly sat up, having been shaken almost violently awake. "How long was I asleep for?" The figure then stood up with a groggy shake of the head. "And why do I feel like something's wrong...?"

As the figure stepped out of the room, bits and pieces of memory slowly brought themselves online. An ancient kingdom. A dark, evil menace. A massive war. Death. And a warm glow enveloping the soul, giving rest until the time of awakening.

Somehow, it felt like this awakening was several years too early.

The figure entered a large room, moving toward the wide crystalline mirror-like object that hung on the wall across the room, as if pulled. The mirror-like object seemed to draw the eye...

"What the hell?!?"

The trickle of memories now became a torrent as the figure beheld the image in the reflective surface.

Once, a guardian of a planet. Now, the figure beheld the countenance of a guardian spirit. Once, a powerful warrior; now, a gentle healer. Once, a leader of many; now, a solitary sentinel, one unable to leave the island that was now home.

But, this wasn't the problem.

Long, flowing robes of violet, delicate and shimmering, fluttered in the breeze as the figure stared at the reflection in the crystal's mirror-like surface. The figure's long, black hair played in the breeze, loose strands whipping across face and shoulders, some hanging half-draped over the shoulders as the rest hung straight down the back. A thin band of gold encircled the forehead, providing decoration and function, as it kept the hair away from the face.

Overall, this gave the appearance of regal, dignified femininity.

Or rather, it would, if the figure in question wasn't male.

"Is this your idea of a joke, Serenity?" the former Prince of Earth, now Spirit of Earth demanded of the crystal. "The last time I checked, King Endymion never dressed like this!" He was silent for a moment. "Is this because I was dating your daughter?"

-BOOM!-

The small quake shook the hut slightly, also serving to knock the Spirit of Earth off his balance. "Should I take that as a yes?"

As if to answer his question, the crystal's surface began to shimmer, changing from reflecting the Earth Spirit's image to displaying several different images of ecological disasters. Oil spills, raging forest fires, beached sea mammals, cities covered in smog.

And this was just in California.

"Just what in the hell is going on?" he demanded of the crystal as more images flashed by. "Are you trying to tell me that a millennium after I'm dead, my people have screwed this planet over THIS much?!?"

He glared at the crystal for a few more moments before turning to leave. "That does it! It's time for me to straighten out some of these idiots."

Just as he was about to leave, a familiar force held him, preventing him from leaving. "Queen Serenity!" he exclaimed as he turned back toward the crystal to see her ghostly image displayed on the screen.

"Yes, Endymion," she said with a regal nod. "I'm afraid that I have some terrible news for you."

"Don't tell me that I'm going to be forced to wear this outfit for a long time."

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves," she chided. "There're more important things that you need to know about."

"I knew it," he sighed in defeat. "At least tell me that this was meant as a joke or was somehow unintentional."

"As you have undoubtedly seen, your world is facing a grave peril."

"It wasn't a joke?"

"In the time after the reign of King Endymion of the Earth Kingdom and the ending of the Silver Millennium, humanity has forgotten how to live in harmony with the Earth."

"So, you really did intend for me to be dressed like this, didn't you?" he mumbled under his breath, half-pouting as he hung his head.

"As history progressed and technology advanced, humanity's carelessly destructive ways have only intensified along with this ignorance."

"At the very least, you could've not dressed me up like a woman."

"However, all hope is not lost. There are some people out there who are genuinely concerned for the welfare of their planet."

"You know, I think this's the same outfit my mother used to wear."

"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!?" Serenity shouted angrily, snapping him out of his funk.

"Yes, ma'am!" he acknowledged smartly.

Despite being a ghostly image, Queen Serenity sweatdropped as she sighed in exasperation. "And my daughter had to fall in love with him," she grumbled to herself.

"Anyway, it is for this reason that you've been reincarnated as the current Spirit of the Earth," she explained.

"What happened to the previous Spirit of the Earth?" he inquired.

"She won the California Lottery and retired early. I think she's living in a modest-sized mansion in Beverly Hills."

"How can you describe a mansion as 'modest-sized?'"

"Never mind that," Serenity continued. "what matters is that you will need to summon-"

"The Sailor Senshi, right?" he asked knowingly.

"...not as such," she hemmed hesitantly.

The nascent Spirit of Earth facefaulted. "Don't tell me they got reincarnated as Earth Spirits, too?"

"Fortunately not," she told him.

"So, what's the problem? If you've reincarnated them, they should have access to their Sailor Senshi powers, right?"

"..."

"Right?" he asked again, slowly becoming worried.

"...well...," she dithered.

The Earth Spirit sweatdropped again. "Don't tell me..."

"I... uh... messed up... a little."

"A little?!?" he exploded. "You bloody well dressed me as a woman!!! You call this A LITTLE?!?"

"You try reincarnating an entire kingdom after sealing away a great evil, using up all your life energy in the process!" she shot back. "It damn well isn't easy, I can tell you that!"

She took a breath to calm down. "Anyway, I did what I could to fix things, but being an ethereal being, I can only do so much." She waved her hand and a crystal display pillow along with a pedestal materialized into existence. "I can give you these as a substitute for the Senshi's power sets. However, you will have to search for them and guide them along their destiny."

He looked over the five simple-looking rings that sat on the pillow that rested on the pedestal and frowned. "That sounds almost impossible. Finding five people without knowing where to look is going to take a very long time."

Serenity waved another hand and suddenly a wave of knowledge flooded his brain, providing information about himself, his powers as the new Spirit of the Earth, the current situation on the Earth, the rings, everything.

Though why he had this sudden urge to say "Woah" or "I know Kung Fu," he had no idea.

"Your time is growing short," she said as she began to fade. "You must find the chosen five who will wield those rings. Only then, will this planet's greatest hero be summoned."

"Yes, your Majesty," Endymion replied with a respectful bow. "But, before you go, could you possibly give me a different outfit to wear?"

"Maybe you should've thought of that before you started dating my daughter without my permission!" Serenity said and disappeared.

"Well, this sucks," he muttered to himself as the crystal went blank. "Here I am, Spirit of the Earth with power over the elements and all of Nature, and not only can't I leave this damn island, I'm stuck dressed like my mother!"

He turned back toward the pedestal behind him which held the five rings. There was one for each of the four elements - Earth, Fire, Wind, and Water. The fifth ring, Heart, wasn't an element, per se, but it was a vital power that binded the other four together.

"At any rate, since I can't go to them, I might as well bring them to me," he said as he waved a hand toward the pedestal. The pillow and pedestal vanished, leaving the rings to float in midair long enough for a soft glow to envelope them for a few seconds, then vanish, taking the rings with them.

* * *

Above a small floral shop in downtown Johannesburg, South Africa, a young man walked down the stairs into the main store area, yawning as he blinked wearily.

"Good morning, you lazy bum," the man behind the register said with a wry grin.

"Feh."

"You're up early today," he continued amusedly. "It's only half past ten. I'd half expected you to get up sometime past noon."

"Aw, shuddup," the young man grumbled.

"Anyway, I need you to pick up some new stock from the nursery today. The shipment arrived yesterday."

"But Dad, I just finished offloading that big order last night," he grumbled. "Can't you get someone else to do it? We do have other employees, you know."

"They're off taking care of other orders," he replied with an apologetic shrug.

"Feh. Fine," he grunted irritably. "I'll take care of it."

"Thanks. Oh, and Ryoku?"

"Yeah, Dad?"

"Next time you come down after getting up, could you please put on some clothes? There are women and children present."

Ryoku blinked as he realized that he had left their apartment wearing nothing but a pair of boxers. "Ah. Sorry." With that, he turned and went up the stairs, trying his best not to die of embarrassment.

"You'll have to excuse him," his father apologized. "My son's not a morning person."

An hour later, the young man was out on the road in their truck - which also doubled as the company's truck - grumbling to himself.

The Kino family had moved to Johannesburg from Tokyo roughly five years ago, shortly after Ryoku's mother had died in a freak car accident, driving the young boy into a fit of rage, swearing that he would not rest until that driving cat was brought to justice. The reason behind the move wasn't connected with the driving cat's hit and run, but the author felt that it should be mentioned nonetheless. Actually, nobody really knew why the senior Kino chose to move to South Africa, but for the purposes of moving this story along, we'll just assume that there was a good reason for it and leave it at that.

Aside from this, a year or so after the accident, his father remarried and Ryoku found himself with a stepsister a few months his junior. The two had gotten along famously, until his new stepmother's job had offered her a promotion to a branch office in Kiev, Ukraine. Since his dad's business was just starting to take off, his dad didn't want to move. So, the two parted ways, his stepmother taking his stepsister with her. He'd see them again every now and again whenever they came to visit - they didn't divorce; they just separated - but for the most part, it was just him and his father.

"Hey, Ryo!" a dark-skinned woman called out from the nursery entrance. "Good to see you again!"

"Hey, Mandisa," he replied with a wave as he got out of the truck. "I hear you got something for me."

"They're all in the usual place," she said with a wave of her hand in the general direction. "You need a hand loading the plants?"

"Probably not. I'll let you know if I do, though."

"Have fun, then," she said as she turned to go back in the building. "Don't be straining yourself, now."

"Got it."

It didn't take long to maneuver the truck into position and start loading the plants. As he was loading a particularly large specimen, he accidentally stepped on a loose bag of potting soil, causing him to lose his balance. He ended up falling back on his behind with the pot in his lap, tipped so that most of the loose soil spilled in his lap.

"Wonderful," he grumbled as he set the pot down and brushed as much of the dirt back into the pot as he could. As he was brushing the last of the dirt from his pants, a small flash of light from inside the pot caught his attention.

"Hmm?" he said to himself as he brushed some of the dirt aside, revealing a strange-looking ring. "Hey, Mandisa! You lose a ring or something?" he called out, waving the ring in the air.

Mandisa poked her head out of the building's entrance. "No, that doesn't look like one of mine. But, if you want it, you can have it."

"Are you kidding?" he shot back. "Why would someone like me wear a ring, anyway?"

"I think it'd look good on you," she said with a laugh as she went back inside.

"Hmph. Not bloody likely." He gave the ring a critical glance. "It looks like a kid's toy. Something you'd find as a prize in a cereal box." The stone set at the top of the ring had a greenish hue to it and it had a globe-like symbol etched in the metal underneath it.

"Still," he added, giving the ring a second glance, "it's pretty well made, for a cereal box toy. I guess it wouldn't hurt to try it on for a moment." Besides, the story wouldn't progress unless he did so, anyway.

Ryoku slipped on the ring.

* * *

Outside a popular nightclub in New York City, New York, a young woman left the building, waving back at the people still inside.

"Are you sure you don't wanna stay for a few more weeks, Rei?" one of the men asked. "You're still a big hit, you know."

The raven-haired young woman shook her head with a smile. "Sorry, but I've got to try for bigger things. I can't stay here forever."

The man shrugged. "Well, you're always welcome back here," he replied. "If you ever become famous, be sure to stop by every now and again, all right?"

Rei laughed. "I'll be sure to sing some of your favorites, then." With that, she waved again and closed the door behind her.

Rei Hino was a Japanese native who had moved to New York with her father, who was a Japanese ambassador to the United Nations. As such, she was required to learn English, as fluently as possible so as not to embarrass her father. Even so, she still occasionally embarrassed her father by getting several English words and phrases wrong, most of the time intentionally, just to put a tweak in her uptight father's shorts. Her most infamous example was when she congratulated her father's senator friend on his successful re-erection. Watching her father try hard to mollify the old man's ire was very amusing.

After graduating high school, she immediately started singing professionally, easily landing a gig at a popular nightclub downtown. Of course, it helped that not only was she a good singer, she was incredibly attractive and had a noticeable accent that many patrons thought was "very hot."

Rei opened her daily planner and looked through her schedule for the day. She had to meet with her new manager in order to try to find a local recording label that would pick her up for a few years, hopefully allowing her to eventually record a couple of CDs.

"Hey, there," someone called out as she felt a hand grab her by the shoulder.

With a swift motion, she pocketed her planner as she turned around while shaking off the hand on her shoulder. "What do you want?"

"Nothing much," the young man said as he stared her up and down. "Just thought I'd say hi and see if you'd wanna go out with me 'n some of my buddies." He nodded over his shoulder toward three other guys who were stepping out of an alleyway, each wearing similar white t-shirts and tattered jeans. One of the guys was smoking a cigarette.

"Sorry, I don't date smokers. They make me sick," she replied and turned to leave, but was stopped as the man grabbed her arm.

"Let's not be so hasty, babe," he said smoothly as a tiny smirk flashed across his face. "I'm sure we could have some fun."

"Maybe I'd have a little fun if one of your friends dressed in drag and started doing the Hustle while singing "It's Raining Men," but with my luck, he'd probably sing it so badly that I'd develop an aneurysm and die," she shot back acerbically as she pulled back her arm again. "But I bet you'd all probably enjoy that more than what company my measly, little self can possibly offer to the likes of you. Have a nice day."

This time, he grabbed her by both arms and slammed her against the wall. "You've got quite a mouth on you, girl," he said as he shoved her toward her friends, who then shoved her into the alley they came out of. "Haven't you ever heard the phrase-"

"'If you can't say something's nice, it's probably crap, after all?'" Rei asked with a thick accent, feigning ignorance.

"That's enough outta you!" he shouted as he cocked a fist and swung at her.

"Oh?" Rei countered as she ducked out of the way, grabbed his arm and threw him over her shoulder in a perfectly executed Judo throw. "You don't say?"

The other three guys then rushed her at once, but were all stopped as Rei opened up a can of whoopass on them. Due to the graphic nature of the ass-kicking involved, the author has elected not to describe how she put the smack down on their candy asses.

"Oh, I forgot to mention," she said as she made a show of dusting off her hands and sleeves, "I have a black belt in kempo, sandan, and a black belt in judo, nidan. That's third degree and second degree, respectively, by the way." She then reached down and plucked the still-burning cigarette from one of the guy's mouth. "And I'm sure I told you that smokers make me sick."

She turned to leave as she coolly flicked the cigarette butt into the nearest open trashcan. No sooner did the butt hit the bottom of the can then a large explosion knocked Rei off her feet. The explosion was followed by a column of fire spewing embers and flames into the air from the aforementioned trashcan. The four guys scrambled to get away, despite the grievous injuries they had sustained at her hands, but Rei remained behind; her gaze transfixed on the burning tower of fire.

"That...," she whispered to herself, "...is so cool..." She glanced around. "That's some awesome special effects! Is someone making a movie around here?"

As she visually scanned the area, a small ring conked her on the head and landed on the ground in front of her.

"Hey! Who threw that?" she yelled as she jumped to her feet. "Show your face so I can rearrange it for ya! No one assaults Rei Hino with a-" She broke off as she finally noticed the ring. "-a Cracker Jack prize?"

She grimaced in chagrin as she bent down to pick up the ring. "I guess whoever threw it just missed the trashcan," she speculated as she grabbed the ring.

And quickly dropped it.

"Ah! Damn, that's hot!" she exclaimed as she waved her hand vigorously to ease the burning sensation, but she stopped as soon as she realized that there was no burning sensation.

"Huh?" she said in complete bewilderment as she stared at her hand. "It felt hot, but my hand didn't burn. That's weird..." She tentatively reached out toward the ring again, but only poked it with a finger. It felt hot, but not quite as hot at it did before. It felt like she could pick it up now.

"Hmph," she murmured critically as she examined the ring. "Well, it's certainly simple-looking enough, but it feels more like a real ring than a stupid Cracker Jack toy." She turned the ring to look at the symbol underneath the red stone. "Fire, huh? Appropriate enough."

With a small laugh of amusement, Rei casually slipped the ring on.

* * *

In a forest outside the city limits of Kiev, Ukraine, a young pony-tailed brunette dressed in a martial arts gi sat underneath one of the larger trees, meditating silently. She enjoyed leaving the city every now and again to come to this place, especially since the trees reminded her of her stepfather and stepbrother, both of whom she missed from time to time. Her mother was mostly busy managing the new branch office of the investment company she worked for, so for the most part, she usually was by herself.

It didn't matter that much; she was used to it.

This quiet forest was perfect for practicing her family's style of karate, Reizan no Ishi, Shinohara-ryuu, also known as the Shinohara style of the Stone of the Holy Mountain school of karate. The Japanese name was much shorter, so she always went with that. She also practiced some of the Kino's style of karate, but she had yet to learn the style's name, since her stepbrother never mentioned it.

Some warm moisture dropped on her head, breaking her concentration. Her eyes snapped open as she slowly reached up to her head, hoping that the wetness she felt on her head wasn't what she thought it was. One touch was all she needed to confirm her fears.

Makoto Kino - formerly Makoto Shinohara, before her mother remarried - leaped to her feet in anger as she shook the bird droppings from her hair. "Hey, you!" she raged at the birds sitting on a branch above where she had been sitting. "How dare you take a dump on my head, you stupid birds!"

The birds merely cheeped at her in response. One of them hopped around and shook its tailfeathers at her, while another one raised a wing in a gesture surprisingly similar to giving one the finger.

"You...," Makoto growled, incensed at seeing a bird flip her the bird. "I'll wring your feathered little necks! Hah!" she shouted as she kicked the tree, causing it to tremble. As a group, the birds all took off, leaving Makoto feeling a little better about herself.

At least until she remembered that she still had bird crap in her hair.

"Che!" she spat angrily as she reached for the gym bag that she had sitting behind the tree she was sitting under. A snarl formed on her lips for a moment as she realized that the same birds had also crapped on her gym bag. A moment was spent brushing some of the crap off the bag before she opened it up and took out a towel and a full bottle of water. She opened the water bottle and splashed it on her head to wash out the bird crap and dried herself off with her towel.

"I hate birds...," she grumbled to herself as she tossed the towel back into her gym bag.

Once cleaned of the avian excrement, she strode toward the clearing away from the trees and cleared her mind of her anger. Once she was calm, she slowly went into one of her school's more deliberate and graceful katas. A light breeze blew, cooling her as it chilled her damp gi and played with her ponytail.

A bird's cheep sounded over her head, but she was so concentrated on her kata that she ignored it. However, it was a little bit harder to ignore the sharp thwack to the top of her head.

Makoto quickly jumped to her feet in a defensive position and glanced around to see who hit her. Her gaze stopped on the same birds that crapped on her earlier, chirping in tones that sounded almost like amusement, flying away. She scowled as she watched the birds high-five each other in mid-flight, a feat that she would never have believed of the creatures had she not witnessed it with her own eyes.

"I really hate birds," she grumbled again as she turned her back on the departing flock.

Before she resumed her kata, her eyes caught on a small object lying on the ground. "What's this?" she wondered as she picked up a small ring with a white stone on it. Engraved underneath the stone was a spiral-like design. "Is this some kinda toy or something?" She grinned. "Well, why not?"

Makoto slipped the ring on.

* * *

Somewhere near the docks on Osaka Harbor in Osaka, Japan, a young girl sat watching the various ships sailing to and from the many piers. The cool sea breeze blew through the young girl's short hair as she carefully sketched the ocean scene in front of her. It was a calm, lazy kind of day today, perfect for doing something like this.

Ami Mizuno loved to sketch. In fact, she was quite good at it. She was able to sell some of her sketches, but she made most of her money on writing and drawing for several doujinshi manga-ka. Not only that, but she had her own series under a pen name, Aya Hisakawa, based on a dream she had where she was a soldier of justice in some sort of magic kingdom or something.

It sold surprisingly well, actually.

However, all of this was merely a means to an end. Ami wanted to become a doctor, and Ami's mother told her that she needed to at least earn her first year's tuition before she'd get any help from her or her father.

And so, the list of jobs Ami had taken was long. Burger flipper, pizza delivery girl, grocery cashier, pet shop clerk, gardener, art model (fortunately, not a nude model, to her relief), and traffic director at a construction site, among other various part-time jobs in addition to her sketching and her somewhat-lucrative doujinshi series. However, what she didn't count on was that some of her friends had taken pictures of her at some of her part-time jobs and posted them on a website dedicated to her and her somewhat-famous doujinshi series.

That particular picture of her wearing a bunny suit - the non-ecchi kind; think Easter Bunny - carrying around a sign that advertised the newest cellular phone and service from a new communications company, embarrassed her to no end. Especially that stupid red nose they made her wear.

They actually did want her to wear the bunny-girl outfit originally, but when she threatened to beat them to death with their own cell phones, they thankfully reconsidered.

"Oi, part-timer!" a grizzled man called out to her.

"Aah!" Ami yelped for two main reasons. The first being that she had been so wrapped up in sketching that hearing someone call out to her startled her, causing her to jump slightly. As for the other reason...

-Splash!-

She had just lost her balance and fell off the edge of the harbor. Fortunately, the grizzled man had caught Ami's sketch pad before she fell.

"Sorry, 'bout that, part-timer," the man said with a thick Osakan accent as he glanced down into the water below. "Just came ta tell ya that we're done fer the day. You can pick up yer wages from Amagi-han."

"Thanks, Boss," Ami replied as she treaded water. "Say, could ya direct me to the nearest ladder outta here?"

Lest anyone miss it, yes, Ami has a bit of an Osakan accent, too.

Once the way was pointed out to her, Ami quickly swam over to the ladder and started climbing.

"Yer lucky yer sketchpad didn't fall with ya," her boss said as he idly started flipping through some of the sketches. "Some o' these're real nice. You goin' ta art school or somethin'?"

"No," she shook her head with a small grin as she reached the top of the ladder, her working clothes dripping wet with sea water. "I'm tryin' ta save up enough for medical school."

"A doctor, is it?" he said with an amused smirk as he handed back her sketchpad to her. "Well, I wish ya luck in it. Hope ya get to go real soon." He patted her on the shoulder and gave her a fatherly grin. "Yer a hard worker, part-timer. I think ya'll do fine."

"Thanks, Boss," she said, smiling gratefully. "You'll let me know if somethin' else comes up, right?"

"Ya'll be tha first one I call, part-timer," he told her as he turned and left.

Ami stood there with sketchpad in hand for a few moments longer. "Oi, Boss! Aren't ya gonna offer me a towel, or somethin'?" She jogged after him, her shoes and socks squishing the entire way.

An hour later, after Ami had picked up her wages and dried off some, she went back to the harbor again to finish the sketch she was drawing. There were a few damp spots where she had dripped on the pad, but for the most part, everything was still intact.

Flipping back to where she had left off, Ami sat down and started sketching again. Granted, none of the boats that she was sketching were out anymore, but she still remembered what they looked like. So, with pencil in hand, she proceeded to finish up her latest sketch.

"There," she said as she completed her sketch. "Finished."

A seagull landed behind Ami and waddled up to her as she set down her sketchpad, and examined the drawing. Finding the artwork pleasing to its eye, it decided to let its opinion be known.

-SQUAWK!-

"Yaaah!"

-Splash!-

Seeing the young artist startle and fall into the ocean... again, the seagull decided that now would be a good time to leave.

"Why me?" Ami grumbled after she surfaced the water. "An' I just got dry, too..."

A small bump against her side caught her attention as a fin broke the water's surface next to her. "Huh?" she said as a dolphin suddenly jumped out of the water and landed behind her. "How pretty...," she said in awe... until she noticed that the dolphin's tail was headed-

-THWACK!-

-for her head.

Ami later awoke amidst much coughing and sputtering, finding herself bobbing next to the ladder out of the water with the dolphin supporting her enough so that she wouldn't drown.

"Oooohhh...," she murmured, rubbing her head. "How long was I out for?" She glared at the dolphin. "That wasn't very funny, ya know. Ya coulda caused me ta drown."

The dolphin squeed an apology as it poked its nose at her.

"Yeah, well, don't go drownin' people like that again, ya understand?" she admonished.

The dolphin squeed again as it poked its nose at her hand and opened its mouth, depositing a small ring in her hand.

"Eh?" she said as she looked over the ring. The ring had a light blue stone with some strange squiggly lines on it. On further inspection, she figured that the lines sort of resembled ocean waves.

She smiled at the dolphin. "I'm flattered, but it'd never work out," she joked. "I mean, just think of what the children would look like."

The dolphin replied with an annoyed squawk and blew a stream of water out of its blowhole and into Ami's face. With another annoyed squawk, it turned and swam away, splashing Ami yet again with its tail flipper.

"Was it somethin' I said?" she wondered to herself as she glanced down at the ring in her hand. Dolphins usually don't swim into Osaka Harbor and start handing out rings. Whatever the reason, this ring was probably something special.

"Yeah, and next thing ya know, I'll be dressed up in a sailor fuku, flingin' water at people," she laughed skeptically. "Maybe I've been drawin' too many doujinshi. It's startin' ta mess with my head."

She glanced down at the ring again. Well, far be it for her to refuse such a gift from an aquatic mammal... or, something like that.

Ami slipped the ring on.

* * *

Outside the city of Manaus, Brazil, a young blonde girl poked through the thick leaves hanging down from the tall trees of the Amazon Rainforest, seemingly searching for something. The girl seemed quite knowledgeable of the area... at least, until she tripped over an exposed root and landed face first into the soft dirt.

"Owww...," she moaned as she rubbed her nose gingerly. "Who put that thing there, anyway?"

Minako Aino knew this part of the Amazon like the back of her hand, having grown up here for a good portion of her life. It was almost like her playground, much to her parents' displeasure. Fortunately, it seemed as if she had an instinct for the rainforest that almost matched that which the old Manaós tribe possessed. It was once joked that Minako might've been the reincarnation of an old Manaós native, but she always replied that there was no way that could be possible, since she sunburned way too easily.

Her family's relocation to Manaus happened almost by accident. Her father had apparently won some kind of sweepstakes or lottery or something, and between him and his wife, they decided that they wanted to live somewhere exotic. Minako being all of four years old at the time didn't have much say in the matter, so the house was sold and off they went, traveling around the globe, choosing destinations by spinning a globe and having Minako poke at it at random.

Oddly enough, this led them to such interesting places such as Hell, Norway; Fucking, Austria; Intercourse, Pennsylvania; and Middelfart, Denmark. It was then decided that her mother would pick the places they visited.

After a visit to São Paulo, Brazil, a freak accident caused their plane to go down in the Amazon Rainforest several miles north of the Amazon River. Several sources disputed the cause, but according to her parents, Minako knew that the plane crashed because the pilot and co-pilot both had the fish instead of the chicken, and no one else knew how to fly the plane... oh, wait. That was from the in-flight movie. Actually, it was due to some kid being let into the cockpit and spraying the controls with Diet Dr. Pepper.

And everyone knows what happens when you spill diet soda into the controls of an airplane 3,000 feet in midair.

So we'll spare you the gory details.

For some reason, Minako seemed to feel at home in the rainforest, easily leading her family to the nearest city, Manaus. Upon their arrival, they decided that this was a nice place to live and subsequently had their home built there. They had a tough time learning the native language, Portuguese, but they somehow managed. Minako, on the other hand, had no trouble at all and spoke both Japanese and Portuguese very fluently.

At any rate, she would come through this part of the rainforest often, sometimes five of six times a week, exploring new areas or just watching some of the animals as they went about their lives. Most of the animals there knew of Minako's constant visits and slowly became accustomed to her presence. A few even befriended her, sometimes accepting food that she would bring for them. There was one creature in particular...

-Squeak! Squeak!-

Ah. Speaking of which, there he was now.

A small white-headed capuchin monkey dropped down from a tree and sat down on her shoulder, squeaking happily. "There you are, Artemis. I was looking for you." Her gaze stopped at a small object that the monkey held in his hands. "Hey, whatcha got there?"

At her inquiry, the small monkey held out the ring as if offering it to her. "Oh? For me?" she said as she took the proffered trinket and examined it. The ring had a yellow stone with a heart design engraved underneath it.

"Aw, how thoughtful!" she said as she hugged her simian friend. "Let me try it on."

Minako slipped the ring on.

* * *

There was a flash of light and a gust of displaced air as four young women, one young man, and a monkey suddenly found themselves occupying a space that they hadn't found themselves occupying a few moments ago.

"Welcome," Endymion greeted as he stepped toward the new arrivals, gesturing grandly. "Welcome to Hope Island."

There was a short, stunned silence for about three seconds.

Then, five different voices began complaining simultaneously in five different languages.

"Oh, yeah. She's definitely doing this to me because I dated her daughter," he grumbled to himself resentfully.

* * *

/eyecatch: Captain Moon and the Lunateers/

/Quick montage of each Lunateer using their ring's powers, followed by the show's logo./

/Commercial/

(Scene opens at a newly opened branch of a popular arcade/café known as The Crown. The place is fairly busy with several patrons sitting in various booths talking or eating. There are several arcade machines in use, however, the most popular ones are the row of Sailor V video games sitting near the middle. The camera focuses on a young boy with spiky black hair, intently focused on one particular Sailor V game. Suddenly, the boy moans disappointedly as his last player dies and a giant "GAME OVER!" appears on the screen. Undaunted, he digs out another token and tries again.)

Voice:  
/As writing appears on the screen/ Arcade tokens: $20.

(The scene then shifts to two teenagers sitting in a booth, watching the young boy play the Sailor V arcade game. The male has the same hairstyle as the young boy and his facial features are similar, easily identifying him as the boy's older brother. The female sitting across from him has black hair as well, cut in a short, boyish style. Both are talking over sodas.)

Voice:  
/As writing appears on the screen/ Sodas: $4.

(The scene then shifts to a young man and woman sitting in a larger booth, seemly waiting for something. The woman seems to be waiting patiently while the man has practically collapsed weakly on the table. The man has similar hairstyle and facial features as the two boys, showing him to be the boys' father. The woman, obviously the man's wife, watches the man while trying not to seem embarrassed by his childish behavior.)

Man:  
/Moaning piteously/ How long's the food gonna take? I'm starving!

Woman:  
/Patiently/ Dear, you know that with the amount of food you've ordered, it always takes a while.

Man:  
/Sighs/ I know, but I'm still starving!

(A server stops by their table.)

Server:  
Sorry for the wait, but your order should be coming shortly.

Woman:  
/Calling towards the children/ Boys! The food's coming!

(The two boys suddenly appear in their seats as if by magic. The older boy looks confused for a moment, then blinks in realization. He then disappears again and reappears a moment later with the girl sitting next to him.)

Girl:  
/To the elder boy/ You know, I hate it when you do that.

(The boy shrugs sheepishly in apology.)

(A moment later, a team of servers approach the table while another pair of servers bring a table and place it next to the booth as an extension to the booth. Tray after tray of food is placed on the table, causing the man to sit up in his seat gleefully.)

Woman:  
/Placing a hand on the man's shoulder/ Dear, please remember to restrain yourself until AFTER the last tray has been served this time.

Man:  
/Droops noticeably/ Ohhh... all right.

Voice:  
/As writing appears on the screen/ Hamburgers: $55. Fries: $45. Steaks: $85. Spaghetti: $50. Sandwiches: $95. Cheeseburgers: $125. Potato wedges: $65. Breadsticks:...

(Once the list of food items fills the screen, the voice pauses and a sound similar to an eraser on paper is heard while the writing is slowly erased.)

Voice:  
/As writing appears on the screen/ Three orders of everything on the menu: $795. /In parentheses; not spoken/ (Including tax and gratuity.)

(As the last tray is served and the three males ravage their food voraciously with little to no regard for table manners, the scene thankfully pans toward the woman and girl, both sighing in vexation with large sweatdrops running down their heads. Behind them, a young blonde-haired man wearing an white apron stood watching them, sweatdropping as well.)

Man:  
/Rubbing the back of his head sheepishly/ I guess their appetite is the same as always, hmm?

Voice:  
/As writing appears on the screen/ Taking the family out to a quiet dinner/The words "a quiet" are then quickly scribbled over/ priceless.

Woman:  
/Sighing as she hands over a credit card/ Sorry about the mess, Motoki-san.

Motoki:  
/Takes the credit card with an understanding smile/ That's quite all right, Ma'am. I have a young female friend whose eating habits are surprisingly similar. I'm used to it.

(The scene then shifts to a close-up shot of an open restaurant-style check holder sitting on a table with a ridiculously long bill that rolls past the camera's frame. A MasterCard credit card is sitting on top of the bill just above where the customer's signature goes. The signature and the name stamped into the credit card both read "Son Chichi.")

Voice:  
There are some things that money can't buy. For everything else, there's MasterCard.

Chichi:  
/In background, yelling/ No, you can't have any dessert, Goku!

Goku:  
/Disappointed/ Aww...

/End Commercial/

/eyecatch: Captain Moon and the Lunateers/

/Each Lunateer drops into frame one after the other, starting with Ryoku, then Rei, Makoto, Ami and finally, Minako. The five each raise an arm into the air, ring hands clenched into fists. Captain Moon then flies down on-screen just as the show's logo appears, causing her to trip over it and fall flat on her face, much to the Lunateers' chagrin./

* * *

"All right!" Ryoku shouted loudly, switching to Japanese - it seemed Afrikaans wasn't a common spoken language among those assembled and English was having limited success - as he made a silencing gesture with both arms. "Everyone just calm down for a minute." He turned to Endymion as soon as everyone quieted down. "All right, pretty boy. Start explaining."

Endymion frowned at the remark but let it pass. "I am Endymion, the guardian spirit of the Earth. I have gathered you here because you are needed. The world is facing a crisis. Industrial pollution, deforestation, hazardous waste, animal extinction, cable television; all these things and more are destroying our world. If nothing is done, soon humanity won't be able to survive and may become extinct as well."

"That's nice and all," Rei cut in, speaking in Japanese as well, setting the language everyone would be speaking in. "But what does that have to do with us?"

"I was getting to that," he said irritably. "Anyway, millennia ago, you five were the guardians of a great kingdom, wielding great power in its defense."

"And what does this have to do with what's going on now?" Ryoku inquired flatly.

Endymion responded by raising a single finger. In response, a lightning bolt shot down from the sky, flew through an open window and struck Ryoku in the backside. He yelped in pain as he hopped forward, rubbing where he was struck as he glared at the Earth Spirit. Artemis hopped off of Minako's shoulder and hid behind her legs, squeaking anxiously.

"Shh...," she said soothingly as she picked the little monkey up and tried to calm him down.

"Anyone else want to interrupt?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

The others wisely remained silent. Minako continued to sooth the startled Artemis. Ryoku grumbled under his breath, but gestured that Endymion could continue.

"As I was saying, when you five were reborn, unfortunately those powers didn't stay with you. However, a substitute was created to enable you to wield the powers you once held; those rings that now adorn your hands.

"Ryoku," he continued as he turned to the first of the five, "your ring controls the power of Earth." 

"Okay," he nodded.

A short silence passed between the two.

"Well?" Endymion asked.

"Well, what?" Ryoku shot back.

"Aren't you going to try it out?"

"I thought you didn't want me to interrupt," he replied flatly as he raised an eyebrow. 

Endymion sighed and shook his head. "Just try it out already, smartass."

"Fine."

Another short silence.

"What now?" the Earth Spirit asked curtly.

"I'm waiting for the instruction manual."

-BOOM!-

-SQUEAK!-

"Artemis! Calm down! HEY! GET OUT OF THERE!"

"Now, then," Endymion continued as Ryoku hopped up and down, rubbing his backside again where a second lightning bolt struck him, while Minako struggled to remove Artemis from his hiding place inside her blouse. "All you have to do is concentrate on what you want your power to do and speak the name of your element."

"You could've told me sooner, you know," he grumbled as he stepped toward a window and pointed his ring outside. "Earth!"

A greenish glow lit up around his ring for a moment, then flowed down into the ground. The ground shook for a moment as a column of stone burst up through the ground. As the column grew, four other columns - two on each side - burst up next to it.

"You know, niisan, that kinda reminds me of something," Makoto mused.

"Heh," Rei smirked. "Nice highway salute."

"Very funny," Endymion muttered as he made a sweeping gesture, causing the stone columns to crumble and disappear back into the ground. "At any rate," he continued, turning toward the raven-haired girl, "Rei, your ring controls the power of Fire."

"I guess, I'm supposed to try mine out as well, huh?" she said as she glanced at her ring, then pointed it out in front of her. "Fire!"

A reddish glow lit up around her ring for a moment, and then shot out toward the ground in front of her, setting the floor on fire.

"Woah!" she exclaimed, her eyes widening in surprise. "Kick ass!"

-SQUEAK! SQUEAK!-

"Dammit, quit scaring my monkey!"

"That's great and all, but can we put out this fire before it spreads and burns down the place?" Makoto inquired pointedly.

Endymion turned to the ponytailed girl. "Makoto, your ring controls the power of Wind."

"All right," she said as she pointed her ring at the small blaze. "Wind!"

A white glow lit up around her ring for a moment, then a strong swirl of air blew out from the ring, snuffing out the fire.

"You know, maybe you could've suggested using it outdoors rather than in a hut with a roof made of flammable thatch," Ryoku told Endymion. "It's not like she knows how to use it yet."

"Shut up," he replied and turned to the blue-haired girl. "Now, Ami, your ring controls the power of Water."

Ami nodded and walked over to the window next to Ryoku and pointed her ring outside toward the ocean. "Water!"

A blue glow lit up around her ring for a moment, then shot out toward the ocean. A larger glow formed in the ocean as a large wall of water shot into the air, then came down over the building like rain.

"Hey, what's my power?" Minako asked, interested. "Lightning? Metal? Wood? Gravity?"

"Heart."

"Ah, yes," she nodded sagely. "Of course. Makes perfect sense." A short pause. "WHAT THE HELL KINDA LAME POWER IS HEART ANYWAY?" she roared angrily as she throttled the nascent Earth Spirit.

"Easy! Easy!" Ryoku said as he pried her off Endymion and held her back.

"Calm yourself and I'll explain," Endymion said, showing no signs that he had been thoroughly choked a few moments ago. "The power of Heart may not be as powerful as the other four, but it is still a vital power, nonetheless. It is a power that binds the other four together. For when your powers combine, you can accomplish things many times greater than what you could do alone."

"That's great and all, but what does my power do by itself?" she asked.

"Try it out," he suggested.

Minako shrugged as she held up her ring. "Heart!" A yellow glow lit up around her ring and completely surrounded her.

She closed her eyes and placed her ring on her forehead. 'I think I understand now.'

"Wha?" Ami exclaimed as she placed a hand to her head. "I thought I heard her speakin' in my head."

"I heard her, too," Makoto agreed, putting a hand to her head as well.

'Not in your head,' Minako said without moving her mouth. 'Your hearts. This power lets me see what you see, and feel the emotions you feel. No matter how far apart we are, with this power we can stay in contact with each other. I can do the same with other people to a lesser extent, and with animals like Artemis to an even lesser extent.'

A short pause. "Ryoku, stop staring at my legs," she said as she opened her eyes and gave him a flat look.

Ryoku blushed slightly as he turned away. "Eh, heh, heh... Sorry."

"Naughty boy," she added with a playful wink.

"At any rate, now that you are familiar with your new powers, we have an emergency on our hands," Endymion cut in.

"So soon?" Ryoku asked. "Can't we at least let our family know where we are? I've still got to finish taking our new shipment back to the shop."

Rei's eyes widened. "I've still got to meet with my manager! He's expecting me in a half-hour!"

"Don't worry. Your families, friends and associates have all been contacted and informed of your whereabouts and why you are here," Endymion explained. "Everything has been taken care of."

"Well, isn't that convenient?" Ryoku muttered.

"You want another bolt in the ass?" he inquired flatly.

"So, what's this you say about an emergency?"

The Spirit of Earth turned and waved a hand toward the crystal display. "See for yourselves," he said as the display flickered to life.

"Luna, what's going on?"

"Oh, Sailor Rangers! Thank goodness you're here! There's big trouble!"

"Sailor Rangers, Queen Beryl has sent another Youma to attack the city."

"Again? That's gotta be what? The third one this week?"

The display went black as Endymion waved at the display again. "Hmm... So, that's the TV function...?"

"Um... the emergency?" Rei prompted impatiently.

"Right," he said and waved at the display again. This time, a view of a coastline could be seen in the display. "Ah, here we are.

"An emergency has arisen off the southern coast of California. An oil rig that had been constructed recently is leaking oil into the Pacific. The local wildlife are in danger from the spilled oil."

"So, what?" Rei asked. "Are we supposed to be some kind of volunteer service? I mean, I feel sorry for the little guys," she said as she gestured toward the display showing seagulls slicked with oil, "but aren't there other people that can do this? I mean, I'm just a singer."

"You five are much more than you think you are," Endymion said sagely. "You have the power to make a difference in this world."

"I dunno about makin' a difference in the world, but I don't really feel right seein' this and doin' nothin'," Amy said as she watched the display worriedly.

"Same here," Ryoku added. "Besides, I'm not about to say no and get another lightning bolt in the ass."

On that, he got no argument.

"So, how are we supposed to get there?" Rei asked, folding her arms. "We're on an island, right? Are we supposed to swim?"

Endymion sighed in frustration. "There's transportation available outside. Just go already, dammit!"

Makoto raised a hand. "Um... can I at least change out of my karate gi first?"

The spirit of Earth groaned. This was going to be a long day. He just knew it.

* * *

Since Ryoku was the only one present that had a valid driver's license, he was chosen to operate the vehicle Endymion gave them: the Geo-Cruiser. When asked if he had any piloting experience, he told them that he was an expert at flight simulator and aerial combat games so they should be fine. Although that statement didn't make anyone feel better, no one had any better ideas.

When he heard the name of the jet, at first he had thought it might've been something similar to a Geo Metro, but unfortunately, he had been far from correct. It was not a type of car (of course, he should've figured that much out, seeing as they were on an island), but a type of small plane. Or jet, rather, seeing that it had thrusters in the back. The solar panels on the wings clued him in to the fuel source: solar power.

A solar-powered mini-jet? He was curious as to who made it, but seeing as there were no corporate markings, it must've been privately made. That, and the fact that it was painted pure yellow.

It felt like he was flying a Twinkie. A solar-powered Twinkie.

Anyway, the Earth spirit had fortunately allowed a quick change of clothes, especially considering that Rei said that she was definitely not going to fight in high heels a second time today. This statement brought looks of surprise to everyone's face - including the monkey's, as improbable as that sounded - except for Endymion's, who muttered something about how Mars never complained about fighting in high heels before. Whatever that meant.

At any rate, now everyone was wearing roughly similar clothing; T-shirts, short sleeved jackets or vests, shorts and tennis shoes. Although the question remained as to why there was clothing here in their sizes, they knew better than to complain at this point. Well, Rei did complain, but a raised finger crackling with lightning silenced any further complaints. Ryoku wanted to complain about his not getting a warning before getting zapped in the butt, but thought better of it. After all, he didn't want to get hit again. His pants and boxers were already getting close to having a hole burned through them.

"So, anybody got any ideas on what we're supposed to do when we get there?" Rei asked, her arms folded in annoyance.

"I'm sure we'll figure it out once we get there," Makoto offered with a grin.

"Oh, I just realized something!" Minako said, pounding one hand into the other. "We haven't really introduced ourselves, have we?"

"Didn't that Earth Spirit guy already kinda introduce us ta each other?" Ami pointed out. "After all, he seemed ta already know all of our names. There's Ryoku-han, Rei-han, Makoto-han, and you're Minako-han," she said, pointing to each person in turn.

"Ah, but you forgot about my friend, Artemis!" she said, holding up the white-furred monkey.

"O-of course...," she replied, smiling uncertainly. "And Artemis."

"At any rate," Rei said with a sigh, "how long until we get there, Ryoku?"

Ryoku glanced back at her over his shoulder and grinned. "That's the interesting thing; we'll be there in less than an hour."

Her jaw dropped slightly. "You're kidding me. Most planes take five and a half hours just to go between L.A. and Hawaii!"

He shrugged in response. "Well, according to the controls, we're going fast enough to reach our destination in less than an hour. Here, see for yourself," he suggested, pointing to a specific control panel. Rei got up and moved over to where Ryoku was sitting and glanced at the indicated control panel. In the area where she assumed the speedometer was supposed to be, a display panel showed a single line. At one end, there was a circle with an 'S', which was highlighted in light blue. The light blue color stretched across the line until it stopped partway across, where the line suddenly changed to red and continued until it terminated at another circle with an 'F'. Above the line, the display showed the words 'Estimated time of arrival: less than an hour.'

"Uh...," she blinked, momentarily stunned at the inanity of what she was beholding.

"'You had to ask,' right?" he asked sympathetically.

"Um... yeah," she nodded. "Something like that."

Rei shook her head and turned back to her seat. "I give up. Just let me know when we get there."

"Hey, niisan?"

"Yeah, sis?" Ryoku replied, glancing over his shoulder again.

"Where's the honey-roasted peanuts?"

"...it's not that kind of flight."

"Oh."

* * *

Less than an hour later, the Geo-Cruiser landed on a long strip of beach. As the group exited the jet, Ryoku pressed a button on the key, causing the doors to close by themselves. Another button made the lights flash and the horn honk as the alarm set.

"Why is there a car alarm on a solar mini-jet?" Makoto asked, scratching her head.

"Don't ask me, sis. I just fly the thing," Ryoku replied with a shrug. "Anyway, let's just do what we can here."

Everyone split up and took an area of the beach. Ryoku took out his keys and popped the trunk on the Geo-Cruiser and brought out oil spill cleaning equipment that had been conveniently stored inside a compartment labeled 'In case of oil spill' for reasons he didn't particularly care to explore.

After depositing the equipment in a spot in the center of the part of the beach they landed on, Ami stepped forward and extended her ring hand toward the buckets. "Water!" At her command, a large column of water rose from the ocean and landed in the buckets. "Hey! Did ya see that?" she called out, pleased with her work.

"Yeah, yeah," Rei said impassively. "Let's just get this over with. Fire!" At Rei's command, a burst of flame shot from her ring and enveloped the buckets filled with water, heating the liquid inside.

"Heart!" Minako shouted, aiming her ring's powers toward a small group of animals. "Don't worry," she said soothingly. We're here to help you."

Ryoku and Makoto started dumping soap into the buckets and spread out, each taking a pair of buckets to a group of oil-slicked animals.

"Um... niisan?"

"Yeah, sis?"

"Would you mind taking care of these seagulls for me? I don't like the look they're giving me."

"The... what?"

The siblings then swapped groups with each other.

"They're just birds, sis!"

"I'm telling you, niisan! They're EVIL! Those birds are EVIL!"

* * *

A few hours later, after most of the animals were cleaned up, the group glanced back toward the oil slick that had continued to spread out from the oil rig.

"Ain't there supposed ta be some kinda government agency to help clean this up or somethin'?" Ami wondered as she glanced around the area. Ever since they had arrived, they were the only other signs of life, other than the oil-slicked animals.

"You mean, the EPA?" Rei said, glancing around as well. "Now that you mention it, I'm surprised that no one's here besides us. Usually, they're pretty good about keeping up on disasters like this. Otherwise, those environmental types would be on their case big time."

"Environmental types?" Makoto repeated. "You mean, like us?"

Rei looked thoughtful. "Well, I never really considered myself much of an environmentalist, but helping these creatures isn't really that bad, you know?" she added with a small lopsided grin.

Ryoku walked back up to the group, having left to go check for additional equipment in the Geo-Cruiser. "Other than what we've got out here, we haven't got enough equipment to clean that up," he said, nodding his head toward the oil slick. "Any ideas?"

"I think we should get in contact with the local police and the EPA," Rei suggested. "That kind of sloppy oil drilling can't be within legal standards."

"I think we should contact whoever's on that oil rig," Minako suggested. "They probably don't realize what they're doing."

"I dunno," Ami said, glancing over at the rig. "It doesn't seem likely that they'd miss somethin' so obvious," she remarked.

"It's their mess; they should help clean it!" Makoto put in. "They should have stuff in case of something like this, shouldn't they?"

"We can always go find out," Ryoku said, glancing around to the others.

"Or, you can mind your own business," a voice said behind them.

"It's kinda hard to mind your own business when there's a huge oil spill staring you right in the face," he replied as the group turned to face the new arrival, a tall man with short blonde hair.

"Yeah," Makoto added, nodding indignantly. "So, who the heck are you to tell us to mind our own business?"

The man grinned smugly. "Oh, I'm just someone who happens to own the land you're trespassing on," he replied.

"Oh?" Rei said, frowning as she put her hands on her hips. "So, why don't you call the police, then?" She smirked haughtily. "Or, can't you?"

"I don't think you should be pushing your luck, girl," the blonde man said as his smile dropped.

"So you're the owner of the oil rig, aren't ya?" Ami concluded.

"The name's Jadeite," the man said. "Jadeite Greedley."

"That's a dumb-sounding name," Minako mentioned to Makoto.

"No kidding," Makoto chuckled.

Jadeite scowled. He rather liked his name. "At any rate, you'd better leave. Otherwise, I can't be held responsible for what might happen."

"So, you're threatening us with a cliché?" Ryoku asked flatly.

"I'm a villain; it's in the job description," he shrugged. "At any rate, consider yourself warned." With that, he walked off.

"Villain, huh?" Rei snorted. "What does he think this is, a Saturday morning cartoon show? Like we're in an episode of 'Power Rangers,' or something. Hmph!" She tossed her head indignantly, unknowingly causing her long black hair to smack Ryoku in the face.

A deep, rumbling sound accompanied by a light shaking of the ground caught the group off-guard. "An earthquake?" Minako exclaimed, glancing anxiously. "So suddenly?"

"It is California, you know," Rei remarked, unfazed. "Things like this happen on a pretty regular basis."

In the distance, the oil rig loudly uprooted itself, broke off its drill, and transformed into a giant mecha that looked suspiciously like a Gundam. It yanked the drill out of the ground, turned, and waved hello.

* * *

"What the hell is that?" the hooded figure inquired, glancing toward the author.

Jason smirked. He had the feeling that if he could see the figure's face, he'd see an eyebrow raised in bewilderment. Maybe even twitching. Marvelous. "There just wasn't enough weirdness for my taste," he replied, shaking his head ruefully. "So, I decided to spice things up a bit. You like?"

The figure regarded the waving not-the-Gundam on the screen for a moment, then shrugged. "It's your story. Do whatever you want."

"Don't mind if I do," he replied wiggling his eyebrows in a manner remarkably similar to one Groucho Marx.

* * *

"...what the hell?" Ryoku muttered as he and the girls all stared at what amounted to the impossible.

"Can those things do that?" Makoto asked while silently wondering what happened to all the people working inside the rig.

"Normally, no," Ami replied, silently wondering how the gigantic automaton managed to maintain its power grid as it shunted parts of itself here and there.

"I had to open my big mouth," Rei lamented, wishing she could take back her crack about the situation being like 'Power Rangers.' Apparently, someone had been listening.

"If it wasn't for the fact that that robot is going to try to kill us, this could've been pretty cool," Minako remarked thoughtfully. "I mean, you don't see real live Transformers like this everyday."

-SQUEAK! SQUEAK!- Artemis squeaked.

Now, if any of them actually knew how to speak Monkeyspeak, they would know that what Artemis had said could be roughly translated as either "My pants are on fire! Somebody spank my bum!" or "It's a giant Gundam! Run away!"

The author shall leave it to you to decide which translation is the correct one.

"You know," Jadeite remarked, speaking through a bullhorn a good distance away while holding a remote control in the other hand, "I've always wanted to have a giant robot."

"What are you talking about?" Makoto yelled as the not-the-Gundam began to advance.

"Hey!" the blonde man snapped angrily. "I'm describing how I'm about to kill you in a deliberate, yet exotic way! Don't interrupt!"

"But isn't that reserved for villains in spy movies?" Minako asked.

Both Jadeite and the not-the-Gundam paused for a moment. "True," he allowed. "However, we villains are allowed some artistic license."

"Fine, fine," Ryoku grumbled irritably. "So get on with it."

"Well, I've always wanted to have a giant robot, so when I built this rig out here, I decided that I'd have one in case I had some trespassers that needed killing."

There was silence for a few moments.

"That's it?" Rei said sharply. "Isn't there supposed to be some kind of master plan?"

"It's just an oil rig," he shrugged. "I didn't want to bother buying the land just to build the thing, so I just didn't bother. That's it."

"Don't ya have ta rebuild it each time ya do that?" Ami inquired.

"Yes, but that's the price one has to pay in order to operate a giant robot," he replied proudly.

"Are we really having this conversation?" Ryoku remarked aside to Rei.

"I'm afraid so," she confirmed with a tired sigh.

"But enough of this," Jadeite said as he tossed down the bullhorn. "I paid for a giant transforming robot and dammit, I'm going to use my giant transforming robot. You understand how it is. No hard feelings, I hope."

"Are you insane?" Makoto yelled as Jadeite started fiddling with his remote control. "You're trying to kill us, remember?"

"So, I guess that's a no, then?" he replied with an indifferent shrug. "Ah, well. Can't please everyone, I suppose." With that, he began to maneuver the not-the-Gundam into position. "Now, attack!" he shouted with glee as he pressed a button.

"Hey!" the five exclaimed just before diving out of the way as it swung the drill in a manner similar to a spear of sorts, scattering the group.

"Does anyone else get the feeling we're in the wrong series?" Ryoku asked as he and the others hid behind a large rock.

"I've had enough of this!" Rei screamed as she stood up and aimed her ring at the approaching giant robot. "Fire!" A large plume of fire surged from the ring and rammed into the robot's head with no effect.

"Forget that thing! Aim for that idiot over there!" Makoto said as she pointed her ring at Jadeite. "Wind!"

Jadeite dived out of the way as a strong burst of wind almost knocked him into the air. "Hey! Watch it!" he snapped as he rolled behind a small sand dune. "Hmph. Didn't expect you to have any means of fighting back. Well, might as well make this quick, then," he added as he pressed another button.

"Look out!" Ami warned as the giant not-the-Gundam began to glow around its chest area. Everyone scattered just as it fired a huge laser beam, destroying the large rock they were hiding behind, as well as melting a small portion of sand into glass.

Minako looked on the verge of panicking. "We are in deep shi-"

"Anyone got any ideas?" Ryoku inquired quickly as the robot started gathering power again.

"You could always die, you know," Jadeite offered.

"Who asked you?" the others retorted simultaneously, then scattered again in order to dodge another blast.

"Wait a minute," Ami said as everyone gathered behind another large rock. "Do ya remember what that Earth Spirit guy told us a while back? About combining our powers?"

"I think I remember," Makoto nodded. "Didn't he say that doing that would let us do things that we couldn't do by ourselves?"

"Do you think that fighting giant robots was part of what he meant when he said that?" Rei asked, glancing back at the giant not-the-Gundam again.

"Either way, I'd rather try that than get shot at by that thing again," Minako chimed in urgently. "So what're we supposed to do?"

The not-the-Gundam fired another blast, scattering everyone again as the rock they were hiding behind burst into small pieces.

"I think I have an idea," Ryoku said as he clenched his right hand into a fist. "Everyone, just follow my lead." He raised his fist into the air, pointing his ring overhead. "Let our powers combine! Earth!" A green beam of light issued forth from his ring and streamed toward the sun.

Rei pointed her ring overhead in the same manner as Ryoku. "Fire!" A red beam of light issued forth from her ring, rushing up into the air to join Ryoku's green beam of light.

Makoto lifted her ring above her head as well. "Wind!" A white beam rose into the air to join the other two beams of light.

Ami raised her clenched hand skyward. "Water!" A blue beam flowed up to join with the other beams of light.

Minako finally pointed her ring toward the point where the other four beams of light gathered. "Heart!" A yellow beam shot out from her ring, colliding with the other four beams of light.

Once all five beams converged, the rings stopped glowing. The beams of light gathered into a white sphere that slowly began to form into a female humanoid figure with long, flowing hair shaped into twin ponytails with a pair of odango where ponytail met head.

"By your powers combined," the figure said as the light faded away, revealing light blue skin and green hair, as well as a red bodysuit complete with a yellow circular emblem just underneath her breasts, "I am Captain Moon!"

"Captain... what?" The group of five stared as the figure known as Captain Moon flew through the air, heading in their direction.

"Who the hell is that?" Jadeite exclaimed as he started fiddling with his remote control. She looked like a superheroine. And everyone knew that superheroine plus villain equals villain getting trounced.

He severely disliked getting trounced.

"Who are you?" Ryoku asked as Captain Moon swooped down for a graceful landing.

Or, at least, that was the intention. Captain Moon stepped on a small loose piece of rock, which caused her to stumble backward. Her feet then began to slip on the sand-turned-glass, and finally she landed solidly on her ass with a heavy thud.

"Owie...," the nascent superheroine announced as she gingerly rubbed her behind. "Hi! Nice to meet ya!" she waved as she got to her feet. "I'm Captain Moon." She paused for a moment and frowned.

"Is something wrong?" Minako asked.

"You know, besides the giant robot trying to kill us," Rei put in sardonically.

"I'm pretty sure this wasn't what Mother intended when she sent us forward into the future," Captain Moon mused to herself. "I mean, my hair is green and my skin is blue! The green hair I could live with, but blue skin? Was Mother drunk when she was wielding the Ginzuishou?"

"Excuse me?" Makoto said, waving to get Captain Moon's attention. "Can we possibly worry about this later? You know, after you save us from that giant robot thing?"

Captain Moon blinked in surprise, then grinned. "No problem! Just give me a minute to figure out how these new powers work."

"What?" the group exclaimed.

"I told you, things got messed up since the Moon Kingdom. The powers I've got are different than from what I'm used to."

"Oh, that's fine," Jadeite said as he stood up from behind the sand dune he had been hiding behind. "Take your time." He toggled a few switches, positioning the giant not-the-Gundam so that it could fire its laser beam at her. The huge robot then fired its laser blast, scoring a direct hit on Captain Moon.

"Thanks," she replied, unfazed after receiving a powerful laser blast to her chest. "But watch where you aim, next time," she added, one arm crossing her chest over her breasts. "It's not polite to fire an industrial-grade laser at a young maiden's bosom, after all."

Everyone present blinked in surprise. Especially Jadeite. "All right, fine," he muttered as he fiddled with the controls again. "We'll just do this the old-fashioned way." With that, the robot swung its drill spear at Captain Moon.

The green-haired superheroine took off into the air and intercepted the drill in mid-swing. "Nice swing, but your form is off," she replied as she ripped the spear from the robot's grip and shifted it around so that she was now wielding the drill spear like a baseball bat. A hugely disproportional baseball bat.

"Now, here's how it's done," she added as she wound up, then swung, knocking the robot off its feet, sending it crashing to the water below as its legs snapped in several places due to the huge pressure than had been forced on it after transforming.

"Aw, crap!" Jadeite spat as he flung down his remote control. "You know how much one of those costs to make?"

"Well, you could always recycle some of the metal," Captain Moon suggested as she swooped down, gathered a huge amount of metal, and started folding it like origami paper until she formed a makeshift cage. "Here, try this," she suggested as she tossed the cage over his head where it landed, surrounding him.

"Hey! You can't do that to my robot!" Jadeite complained.

"Then perhaps you'd like to get the local police and get them to explain to us why we can't do that to your robot?" Ryoku suggested. Jadeite grumbled to himself as he folded his arms in annoyance.

* * *

"So, explain it to us again?" Makoto asked after the local police left with Jadeite in tow. The remaining pieces of the not-the-Gundam were left where they were until a salvage crew could gather up all the remaining metal that was scattered all around in on the beach floor. Clean-up crews had also arrived and were busy cleaning up the oil spill and the oil-slicked animals.

"It's simple," Captain Moon explained again with a cheery smile. "I'm your powers combined, just like Endymion said. When a situation gets too difficult for you to control, just give me a ring."

"You know, people have died painful deaths for lesser puns than that," Ryoku muttered. Beside him, a few of the others were slightly grimacing as if they'd eaten something disgusting.

"Hey, it's been several millennia," Captain Moon griped. "Sorry if my sense of humor isn't up to date yet." With that, she took off into the air. "Well, since my job here's done, I'll leave the rest to you Lunateers."

"Luna what?" Rei repeated quizzically.

Captain Moon turned around in mid-flight. "Well, I'm Captain Moon, so that makes you Lunateers." A slight pause. "Unless you all wanna be known as Moonies?"

The Lunateers collectively gagged. "No thanks."

She shrugged. "Fine with me. See you later, Lunateers. And remember, the power is yours!" With that, her body began to glow white before her form dissolved back into five beams of light which returned to the Lunateers' rings.

"Well, that was an interesting afternoon," Ryoku remarked to the others.

"So, what now?" Makoto inquired.

"Well, there's nothin' left for us ta do here," Ami pointed out. "We might as well head back ta Hope Island. After all, Endymion could have another job for us ta take care of."

"Fine, but can we take a break first?" Rei asked. "I know I'm tired from cleaning up after people and getting shot at by a Voltron reject."

"Don't worry about it," Ryoku said as he brought out a set of keys. "I'll take the scenic route."

* * *

"How was that?" Jason asked, glancing over at his hooded companion.

The cowled figure considered the TV for a moment. "Not bad, but I think you can do better," he replied.

"So, what do you wanna try for the next round?"

The robed figure slowly bobbed up and down, hovering a few centimeters over the couch as he considered. "All right, how about Yu Yu Hakusho, for a change?"

"All right, then I'll go with Ghostbusters," he said, then smacked the TV with the root beer bottle hard enough for the picture to change to snow. The TV fizzled for a moment, then changed channels again.

* * *

Author's Note: Finally, Channel 02 is complete over a year later! I've been meaning to get back to this story, but I've been really busy with work and college classes and so on. Anyway, I'll try not to take another year between this and the next chapter.

Disclaimer: All original materials belong to their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. This story to belongs me, so I would appreciate it very much if you would ask for permission before posting it anywhere else. Thank you.

Copyright © 2005 Jason C. Ulloa.  
All Rights Reserved.


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